The Red One Is Coming...

It's thus far been a lovely December in my neck of the woods. I've been spending my time enjoying the delightful seasonal weather. It's nice, is what I'm saying. Cold, but not too cold. Not "freeze to death before you reach the mailbox" cold, which is good, because retrieving the daily mail is quite the journey where I live. I could go on about how much I'm digging this late autumn stuff, but nobody wants to hear that shit.

No, last time I promised that I would reveal my special plans for this pathetic blog's annual holiday celebration, and I am here to deliver. And before you even say it, it's not podcast-related, so give it a fucking rest. This year, I've decided to do something a little different, something I hope you will all enjoy very much. I'm sure you know a little something about The Hallmark Channel, right? National purveyors of everything warm and fuzzy, the folks behind everybody's favorite sappy and overpriced greeting cards have their very own cable and/or satellite television network, and it's a sight to behold.

I generally have no interest in the majority of the network's programming, aside from my weakness for their Cedar Cove original series, as well as their simultaneously entertaining and infuriating series of The Good Witch telefilms. Have you ever seen one of those damned movies? Is she a witch? Nobody ever acknowledges it. She clearly has magical powers, and yet every single person in her life just dances around the fucking issue, because I guess it's supposed to be cute, but it isn't cute. Not at all.

Pictured: Not Cute.

And the titular witch persists in speaking almost entirely in empty platitudes and supposedly wise sayings, which I believe is an attempt to make the character seem enigmatic and enlightened, but it just makes her sound like a quote-spouting machine and not a real human being with emotions and desires. It's so bizarre watching this complete cipher of a protagonist interact with a town full of characters with actual thoughts and feelings, like watching an extraterrestrial attempting to infiltrate a rural community without having any real understanding as to how real people actually interact. The main character is this empty vessel, like a sociopath pretending to be just like everybody else.

I find it all oddly fascinating, which is why I'm excited that the network has ordered a weekly series based on The Good Witch, due to premiere early next year. But that's neither here nor there.

Every year, The Hallmark Channel presents an event called Countdown To Christmas, during which they air absolutely nothing but Hallmark-produced Christmas-themed telefilms. Literally nothing else. It's fucking crazy. And this year, The Hallmark Channel began their annual Countdown To Christmas on Halloween. Fucking Halloween. That's just going too far. But I digress.

I've decided to take advantage of this two-month-long marathon of holiday cheer, combining the heartwarming joy of TV-G pablum with my highly acclaimed SCHLOCK CORRIDOR series in a little something I like to call... 12 DAYS OF SCHLOCK-MAS!

Clever title, eh? The plan is to watch a random movie at a random time on The Hallmark Channel every day for the next twelve days, starting tomorrow. After I watch this movie, I will ramble awkwardly about it here on the blog, giving it a final verdict of either Naughty or Nice, because I am an entirely unoriginal human being. The final installment of the series will be posted on Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day will arrive with a brand-new, bourbon-fueled holiday-themed podcast featuring myself and Titus, which I'm reasonably sure at least one person out there not named "Titus" will probably slightly enjoy.

In the meantime, here's the 77th chapter of Please Make It Stop, which is mostly about various television programs, with a dash of Ric Flair for flavor. It simply is:

Chapter 77: The Adventures Of Dick Back



That's it for now, kiddies. Join me tomorrow as we begin the 12 DAYS OF SCHLOCK-MAS!

YOUR TIME IS RUNNING OUT!