Schlock Corridor: Day One

BERSERKER: HELL'S WARRIOR

"When a Viking warlord defies Odin, the irate god curses the warlord's son to be reborn as a bloodthirsty warrior who must fight evil for all eternity."

Oh Christ, I think I've made a mistake. This is only the first day of my 2014 SCHLOCK CORRIDOR series, and I already regret my decision. Berserker: Hell's Warrior is garbage. It is a muddled, confusing, mess of a movie. I'm honestly still not sure what the movie was actually about, and I just watched the fucking thing. The movie was directed by Paul Matthews, the dude who directed Breeders, a film I reviewed last year that I actually enjoyed. But like Pete Walker with his House Of Whipcord, just because a director makes one decent movie doesn't mean he can't also make a worthless sack of cinematic shit.

I'm now going to try and explain the plot of Berserker here, for my own benefit as much as yours, because I'm not sure if the movie actually makes any sense. Fair warning: there are far too many "B" words used in the forthcoming text.

The story follows Barek (Paul Johannson), a young warrior who, along with his chieftain father Thorsson (Patrick Bergin), is marching to do battle with a vile rival to decide the future of the scattered Viking tribes. In order to defeat their rival, they enlist the help of Barek's estranged brother Boar (Craig Sheffer), who is the leader of a bearskin-wearing tribe of Berserker warriors who may or may not be vampires. Boar has pledged his life to Odin, the All-Father, and every life he strikes down in battle falls in his name. Boar and Barek don't get along very well, and wouldn't you know it, it's all because of a woman.

A long time ago, Odin cast down the Valkyrie Brunhilda (Kari Wuhrer), chaining her to a mountaintop, surrounded by supernatural fire. According to legend, only one who is worthy and noble of spirit can pass through the fire unscathed and rescue Brunhilda, sparing her from the All-Father's wrath. Boar attempted to rescue Brunhilda, but the fire severely burned him, leaving him on the edge of death. Barek leapt into the fire to rescue his brother, pulling him to safety, and found the flames did not burn his flesh. Realizing this, he unchained Brunhilda and claimed her as his bride.

As Boar lay dying, Brunhilda offered to save his life by passing Odin's gift to his blood. She warned Barek that this would transform his brother into a Berserker, an immortal warrior with unholy strength and a thirst for blood who could only be killed by destroying his brain, because that makes sense. Barek figures that his brother would be better off alive than dead, no matter what price he must pay, and begs Brunhilda to transform the poor wretch. Nobody bothers to ask Boar what he thinks. She immediately grows fangs and her eyes begin to glow, and she bites Boar on the neck, drinking his blood and passing on Odin's power.

So apparently in this movie's universe, Valkyries are vampires, and that would make Odin the master vampire, because it's his "gift" that transforms mortal men into blood-drinking monsters. Only the movie never actually shows any of the Berserker warriors drinking any blood. And despite Brunhilda's promise of great and terrible power, none of the Berserker warriors ever demonstrate any supernatural abilities, strength or otherwise. They just wear bearskins and shout Odin's name when they fight people. That's just a raw deal.

After Boar transforms into a Berserker/Vampire guy, he renames himself "Berserker, Hell's Warrior", and fucks off to go create his own tribe of supernatural warriors with no discernible supernatural abilities, because he's mad with power! Years later, Thorsson makes a pact with his wayward son, and they fall upon their mutual enemy with a vengeance, killing him and all of his warriors in maybe a minute. Truly a battle for the ages!

The next evening (I guess), Thorsson traps Boar and his men, striking them down with flaming arrows, and as Barek watches his brother burn again, he calls upon Odin to spare his extra-crispy kin once more, in exchange for his own life. The flames are immediately extinguished, and Boar is unharmed. But then Brunhilda shows up and tells Barek that Odin cannot have him, because he's already pledged himself to her. Boar warns his brother not to trust her, but he's a bloodthirsty madman so Barek ignores his pleas. Then Brunhilda bites him, transforming him into a Berserker, as well.

One awkward transition later, and we're now in the modern age, watching a woman who looks suspiciously like Brunhilda have a conversation with some psychopath in a mental institution who is chained up to a ridiculous degree. He claims to have been many of history's famous monsters, including Napoleon Bonaparte and Rasputin, the Mad Monk. He claims to have been reborn time and time again, because he is cursed to walk the earth, killing and killing for all eternity. His name... is Barek.

So he's not actually immortal, because he can be killed. He's just reborn again and again, and his bloodlust forces him to slaughter throughout the ages. And I guess he always remembers his past lives, because he remembers everything that's happened to him since his first lifetime over a thousand years ago. And he recognizes the sexy psychiatrist talking to him as his reincarnated love Brunhilda, even though she doesn't remember either who he is or who she really is. Then some Berserker warriors show up and try to kill Barek, but he instead kills them and escapes to find Brunhilda, because she's being targeted by Odin, who desperately wants to chain her back up on that mountain for reasons.

Barek and Brunhilda pork in the shower, she remembers who she is, Boar pops up and kidnaps her, prompting a duel between Barek and his brother. Boar keeps trying to convince Barek that Brunhilda is clouding his mind, because she's actually evil. Boar claims to be trying to kill Brunhilda because he wants to save his brother from her curse of reincarnation. Barek once again shrugs off his brother's pleas and chops his head off, Highlander style. Brunhilda immediately comes clean and admits that yeah, she is evil, and that Boar was actually trying to save his brother from her clutches because bros before hos and all that, and that Boar has been trying to save his brother for centuries, sent by Odin time and time again to kill Brunhilda. But she knows he will always fail, because Boar always refuses to harm his brother, giving the pussy-whipped Barek ample opportunity to strike his Berserker-Bro down and continue the cycle.

Barek, feeling betrayed and more than a little guilty for beheading his brother, runs Brunhilda through with his mighty blade, and upon her rebirth, she is chained back on the mountaintop, Odin's will finally fulfilled. So that means Barek and Boar should be free from their curse, right? Nope! For absolutely no good reason, Barek is still cursed to walk the land with his thirst for violence, and when his reborn brother Boar finally grows up in eighteen years or so, the Berserkers will join forces and battle their way through the ages... together!

Is this a happy ending? The movie seems to think so, even though the curse should be lifted. But was it Odin's curse, or was it Brunhilda's curse? Didn't Odin give her the ability to transform mortal men into shitty vampires? If only a pure soul with noble cause can rescue Brunhilda, then why would Odin want to imprison her again? Why would Odin allow the "noble soul" to be cursed by the clearly evil Brunhilda? And if Boar and Barek are reborn and not ageless, then why does Boar show up dressed exactly like he was the last time we saw him over a thousand years earlier? Boar was apparently always a good guy, even though he acted like a bad guy, and Brunhilda was always evil, even though she could only be freed from her imprisonment by a man with a pure heart. That doesn't make sense.

And why did it take Boar a millennium to finally convince his brother that the evil vampire lady that cursed both of them so long ago may not be exactly on the level?  Why does Thorsson consistently condemn Odin and all of the gods when they never really do anything to earn that level of scorn? In the end, Brunhilda, not Odin (I think) is revealed to be the true villain of the piece, so what's with all the anti-theism? Boar was right, dammit! Don't fuck with the gods, and they won't fuck with you!

This movie makes no sense. Berserker: Hell's Warrior is named after Craig Sheffer's character, but it's actually about Paul Johansson's character, and that's just false advertising. Also, he was not "cursed to be reborn to fight evil for all eternity". If the film's story is to be believed, until the point where we meet Barek, he was just a guy who was driven to murder people throughout the ages, regardless of such concepts as "good" and "evil". He's not the fucking Eternal Champion! And Napoleon? That's just stupid.

And screw the story; what about the film in a broader sense? Short answer: it sucks. The low budget is clearly evident from the very beginning, with the shoddy "Viking costumes", the wobbly plastic swords, and the taped-on faked beards brazenly on display. The movie keeps throwing in absolutely cringe-worthy plug-in video filter effects during flashback sequences (for mood?) that I could easily replicate with my cheap-as-fuck and barely functional editing software. Goofy library sound effects are frequently used during action beats, which started giving me Fading Of The Cries flashbacks. None of the actors were engaged in the material, just sleepwalking through the whole endeavor.

Paul Matthews must have written this script during a long weekend after watching Erik The Viking and completely misremembering every detail of the Volsunga Saga. And I'm convinced a blind man could have directed this dreck just as well, considering how perfunctorily the movie was shot. And fuck the music! Why does it sound like a fucking polka?! I'm all for anachronistic musical cues, but come on! If it weren't for Craig Sheffer's frequently employed bug-eyed "crazy" expression, I would have nothing good to say about this movie.

I've spent entirely too much time talking about the utterly execrable Berserker: Hell's Warrior, and I'm going to stop, now. For the sake of my own sanity. So let's talk about podcasts! It's been a while since the world has been blessed with a brand-new episode of Why Do We Even Bother?, so I figured now would be the perfect time to unleash the latest installment!

In this 73rd episode, entitled Back To The Shire, I am joined by my pals Ky, Titus and Laura, and we discuss the never-ending march of Hobbit movies, the truly terrible television programs The Walking Dead and Lost, burning mattresses, Tom Clancy, and our mutual and enduring love of The Spice Girls. It's a real humdinger, and now you can listen to it in all its glory:

Chapter 73: Back To The Shire



I shall return tomorrow with another movie, and surely another disappointment. Until then...

YOUR TIME IS RUNNING OUT!