Schlock Corridor: Day Eleven

THE MAN FROM PLANET X

"An alien from a dying planet becomes the puppet of an evil scientist and uses his superior intellect to enslave the minds of his victims."

So there's a rogue planet hurtling through the inky blackness of deep space, and it's on a collision course with Earth. Or maybe it isn't. Maybe it will just come really close to our world without actually making contact. Is this When Worlds Collide? Is it Melancholia? No, it's The Man From Planet X, and ugh.

Our hero is some boring reporter with a shitty moustache, and he always wears a raincoat because I think he's trying to hide a deformity or something.  He travels to an isolated island that might be off the coast of Scotland, but I don't know for sure because my brain doesn't seem to want to remember this movie. He's come to interview an old scientist who wears a blanket draped over his shoulders all the time because he's cold and he's going to die soon.

The scientist apparently has the only working telescope in the entire fucking world in the attic of his private castle, because he's the only guy around who has spotted this rogue planet in the sky with his tired old eyes, and he's theorized that this particular island upon which he happens to live is the exact point where the rogue planet will make its closest approach to Earth. What a lucky break!

The old scientist is currently sharing his home with his bug-eyed daughter and another science-minded dude who is played by that guy from that show you like, who happens to have a shared history with the reporter. In short: the reporter hates the science dude, and with good reason, because the science dude is a complete motherfucker.

He spends literally every moment on-screen either stroking his beard in a sinister manner as he contemplates evil deeds, stalking people in the shadows because he wants to learn their secrets, or beating the shit out of innocent extraterrestrials because they can't learn sign language fast enough for his liking. From the very first moment this asshole appears, he might as well be wearing a nametag on his lapel that says "I stomp on puppies because it's the only way I can maintain an erection".

After the bug-eyed lady's car busts a wheel on the shitty island road, she hoofs it back home in the dense fog, getting lost because she's a woman and women have no innate sense of direction. Stumbling through the dark soundstage Scottish moors, she finds an alien spacecraft inhabited by one really odd looking short guy wearing a fishbowl on his head, his identity obscured by the truly awful fright mask the producers forced him to wear. He scampers around in the fog, holding the reporter hostage for ten seconds before he forgets to adjust the valve regulating his air supply, and he collapses in a useless heap. Luckily for him, our reporter hero is a nice guy, and he opens the valve, saving the little alien's life. He follows our heroes home like a lost puppy, and they immediately lock him up in the dungeon of their private little castle, because that's what homies do.

The evil science dude sneaks in and just starts strangling the alien because he wants to learn his horrible secrets, trying to bend the diminutive invader to his vile, bearded will. Eventually, the alien gets the upper hand on his captor and uses his super-powered flashlight to take control of the local population, forcing them to dig his Christmas tree ornament spaceship out of the dirt, so he can signal his people on the rogue planet, guiding them over to our world before his planet plows into the sun or something, saving them from extinction.

He is thwarted by some soldiers with a rocket launcher, who are also nice enough to shoot the evil science dude in the back despite the fact that he was an unarmed bystander because fuck that guy. The alien's spacecraft is destroyed, the rogue planet zooms by without incident, and an entire extraterrestrial species with its own unique and highly advanced culture is destroyed because that's just how earthlings roll.

Never mind the fact that the only reason the alien ever showed any hostility was due to his reception by the local population. Were his intentions evil? Was he just a misunderstood guy trying to save his people from annihilation? The film's final moments with the reporter and his insect-faced lady love have the balls to call into question their actions in the climax, meaning the whole "genocide" thing. Did we do the right thing, darling? Eh, who cares? Let's touch pumpkins in the dungeon! Fade out!

The Man From Planet X is an exposed, dangling scrotum. You don't want to look at it, but it's just there, right in front of you, and you don't exactly know how to react to it. Shit, does that make sense?

It's a very middle-of-the-road genre experience, with nothing really special or interesting of note to set it apart. The film could have focused more on the captive alien, making him a sympathetic character, really casting doubt on the actions of the human protagonists. Are they doing the right thing by dooming an entire intelligent species to extinction because of a simple communication breakdown? The movie pays lip service to this idea in its final thirty seconds, like the filmmakers remembered they were trying to do something different with their story only right at the very end, but it's too little, too late.

The movie is not without its charms, most notably in the kitschy forced perspective miniature sets peppered throughout to try and create the illusion of a vast and foreboding landscape in this entirely stage-bound production. The alien looks like his costume was thrown together in a panic shortly before the cameras rolled, and it's worth a chuckle. It was also short, at around one hour and ten minutes in length.

That's it. I'm done talking about this movie.


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