DRAGONFYRE
"A reluctant ex-soldier is drawn into a war between orcs and dragons in order to save a beautiful princess on his remote ranch in the American West."
That's a weird plot, isn't it? A modern soldier in our world becomes part of a war between fantastic creatures from a parallel universe. The movie's full title is Dragonfyre: The Worldgate Sentinel, and that's what the protagonist is. He's the guardian of a mystical portal that apparently allows travel between "the nine realms", of which we only see one, and briefly at that. Only he doesn't know he's the sentinel. Not yet.
The movie opens with the previous sentinel blasting a bunch of orcs with an automatic rifle, then dying of a heart attack via orc-witch magic, I think. But that's okay, because the multiverse chooses a new sentinel every time an old one croaks, and this time it's picked a former soldier who just wants to find some place to live in peace, away from violence and hatred and whatever.
So fate has John, our hero, buy the old sentinel's house, which comes complete with an arsenal and an army surplus half-track with a mounted anti-personnel gun. Then an elf princess shows up, followed by a small army of orcs who want to sacrifice her to their dragon-god.
John just wants everybody to get off his land, but some blind Indian named Whitefeather guilt trips him into playing the hero, so he transforms into a badass orc-slayer. He teams up with Whitefeather and a good ole' boy named Scooter to repel the otherworldly invaders in an epic battle for the ages... that looks really cheap, because the movie didn't have a lot of money to work with.
It's just so bizarre to see an army of orcs right out of high fantasy going to war against a guy with a shitload of guns, and this movie most definitely favors the guy with the modern ordnance. The orcs, with their swords and arrows just don't stand a chance against automatic rifles with armor-piercing rounds. One soldier with a few modern firearms cuts through more orcs in maybe ten minutes than Gimli and Legolas combined over seven hours of The Lord Of The Rings. I eventually started to feel sorry for the orcs as they were being slaughtered by "the wizard" with the AK-47.
There's also a scene in the film where John captures an Orc and ties him up in his basement, torturing him like Jack Bauer in an episode of 24: The Orc Wars to obtain information. It's so surreal. It's a good moment, but perhaps the best moment in the film occurs during the climax, while the orc army is laying siege to John's ranch.
In the middle of the battle, John's pleasant realtor pays a visit, just driving up to his house to see if he's enjoying the house, completely oblivious to the fantasy war unfolding around her. The orcs just stand around, utterly confused by the developing situation, halting their attack while the realtor repeatedly knocks on the front door, waiting for an answer. It's like somebody's mother showing up at the local park to pick up her children, interrupting an epic LARP campaign in the process. For a few moments, the illusion is completely shattered, and the battle to decide the fate of the multiverse looks like a bunch of guys just playing a game in a field. Clearly this movie is aware of how ridiculous it is, and that's why I enjoyed it.
The movie may not have the best cast of actors, realistic special effects, an appropriate musical score, a completely coherent script, or anything else that makes a really good movie, but it certainly has ambition, and I respect that. Writer/director Kohl Glass' reach exceeded his grasp by a country mile, but he set out to make something big and bizarre, and that counts for a lot more than 90% of the direct-to-video crap that gets churned out every year.
Dragonfyre: The Worldgate Sentinel tried a little harder. It's a goofy, ambitious, odd little fantasy/action hybrid, and I liked it quite a bit. I was originally planning to watch another The Howling sequel, but after yesterday's debacle, I just couldn't go through with it, so I picked this movie off my Netflix queue, and I was pleasantly surprised. But there are storm clouds on the horizon, and they're shaped suspiciously like cheap werewolf puppets...
YOUR TIME IS RUNNING OUT!
FUCK YOU
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