"An evil tycoon holds half of the Double Dragon medallion. But two brothers hold the other half- and aren't about to give it up without a fight."
Double Dragon is a movie about some guy and his brother fighting the T-1000 from Terminator 2 in a dystopian Los Angeles, and Alyssa Milano is there, too, for some reason.
I'm not sure if this movie is an accurate representation of the video games, because I haven't played a Double Dragon video game since maybe 1993, but I don't remember any post-apocalyptic shit in the games, or any magic medallions that grant the bearer the ability to transform into a flattened shadow person who can possess people's bodies and slip under doorways and shit. Is there a news program hosted by Vanna White and George Hamilton in the games? Is there an underground skate park populated by a bunch of homeless children in the games? Is Robert fucking Patrick in the games?
I have no fucking idea, and I'm far too drunk to care. Alyssa Milano was drop-dead gorgeous in the movie, wearing a tight-as-shit green t-shirt and a pair of tiny denim shorts, and I was fine with that. I think she was the leader of some child hobo army, and they all dressed like assholes and played around in toxic waste. She force-fed spinach to some bulky dude who looked like he crawled out of Screaming Mad George's ass in this movie.
I refuse to believe that to believe that Scott Wolf is Mark Dacascos' brother. That's just insane. Dacascos actually has martial arts training, and he's given some elaborate fight choreography. Wolf just goofs around like a dink while putting on his biggest shit-eating grin. I hate you, Scott Wolf. You've never been good in anything. You wanted to be Tom Cruise soooo bad, but it never happened for you, because you're not talented. You're just awful.
Why is John Mallory Asher and his perpetual Kool-Aid mouth in this movie? Why is he in anything? How did he convince Jenny McCarthy to marry him back in the day?
The movie sucked, though. It was just total garbage, and I hated it. I had never seen the movie before today, believe it or not. I have no idea how this slipped through the cracks for me, but there it is.
I'm not interested in talking about Double Dragon, anymore. Or at all. It's not worth my time. What an awful fucking day I'm having. Why couldn't Embrace Of The Vampire be on Netflix? Or maybe Deadly Sins? You know, a "good" Alyssa Milano movie?
YOUR TIME IS RUNNING OUT!
Why did you review this movie? It doesn't fit with the other ones. Still no good.
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