DRAGON CRUSADERS
"A group of marauding Knights Templar suffers a curse that turns them into monsters, driving them to square off against an evil dragon."
The Asylum, why do you torment me so?
I didn't know Dragon Crusaders was an Asylum production. I just read the flavor text and pressed "play", because why not? Doesn't that sound like a promising premise? I imagined a story centered around a coterie of battle-hardened crusading knights, cursed by an evil sorcerer, transformed into monstrous warriors that travel the world righting wrongs as soldiers of fortune, always searching for the fiend that placed the curse upon their heads, hoping that it can some day be lifted, restoring their humanity. The A-Team meets The Monster Squad.
Of course that's not what Dragon Crusaders is. Dragon Crusaders is fucking garbage. The titular crusaders are wanted men, due to the order of Templar Knights being discredited, hunted across Europe as apostates. But these knights are still good guys, trying to do the right thing despite their circumstances. They're so nice that even with a legion of bounty hunters on their trail, they choose to give aid to a village under siege by at least nine of the pudgiest, laziest, most tired-looking pirates I may have ever seen.
There may only be nine sloppy villains swinging their blunted swords around, but that's more than enough for this village, considering its populated by a dozen old women wearing soiled shawls... and one badass warrior woman wearing anachronistic booty shorts underneath her faux-fur and leather ensemble. She actually manages to kill most of the pirates on her own, making the intervention on the part of our protagonists almost entirely worthless.
They do manage to rescue a witch from a time-traveling yacht in a local lake, though, which is nice. I say "time-traveling yacht" because this boat was clearly constructed in at least the late 20th Century, and was most likely owned by a friend of the producers who loaned it to the production for free.
Having rescued the young witch, she is super bummed to inform them that they shouldn't have bothered, because before they arrived she placed a curse on the boat, condemning anyone who sets foot onboard to become a mindless, winged monster in service to the evil wizard/dragon king she used to serve. She invoked the curse to deal with the pirates who had kidnapped her, and these poor fools were just victims of terrible luck. So thanks to their own innate sense of kindness, these knights are fated to transform into terribly rendered digital gargoyles one after another, based upon how much evil they hold in their hearts, because that's the rule.
So the knights team up with the warrior woman and the witch to track down the dragon-wizard, and eventually they find him and kill him, losing a few of their own along the way, and I don't want to talk about this terrible fucking movie anymore because I just wasted ninety minutes of my life watching this cinematic abomination and I refuse to waste one minute more typing about how much I utterly despise it.
Don't ever watch Dragon Crusaders. Don't you dare. Fuck.
YOUR TIME IS RUNNING OUT!
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