PROTEUS
"When their yacht sinks in the middle of the ocean, a crew of drug smugglers boards a seemingly abandoned oil rig that houses a monstrous abomination."
You read that descriptive text, right? Drug smugglers. Yacht. Oil Rig. Abomination. That's it. Who gives a shit about any of this? That's Proteus. It's a stupid, boring movie with no real redeeming value. I hate it. I hate it with every fiber of my being, and I wish I could rewind time in order to prevent myself from wasting my afternoon watching this awful thing.
These drug smugglers are fucking idiots, because they actually blew up their big expensive yacht by smoking marijuana. That's all the explanation we're ever given. One of the morons passed out because he got too high, and his lit joint blew up their yacht. Somehow. Tucked inside their convenient life raft, the smugglers managed to save some of their precious heroin, which is actually a fucking plot point in this movie, but absolutely not for reasons you would ever guess.
They drift around for a while, bumping into this offshore oil platform, and there's a monster onboard that absorbs people like The Thing, except it's also part shark, and some scientists created it on the oil rig (that's actually a super-science research facility in disguise) at the behest of Doug "Pinhead" Bradley, playing a rich old asshole searching for the key to immortality. So this shape-shifting shark monster eats all of the smugglers except for Craig fucking Fairbrass and a lady who can inexplicably identify human DNA on sight in a random computer simulation she glances at for two seconds.
Our bulging hero watches an old videotape which politely informs him that the seemingly unstoppable shark monster has a crippling heroin addiction, which is insane, but a lucky break for our hero, wouldn't you say?
Doug Bradley shows up on the oil rig, because I guess the shark monster called him long distance and told him his fountain of youth was ready to rock, then he promptly gets tentacled to death for his trouble as the shark monster mutates into a massive, throbbing (and completely impractical) behemoth with the head of a great white. And it apparently swallowed a fog machine off camera, because this thing is constantly spewing smoke, so much so that I started having flashbacks to that Alice Cooper concert I saw last summer.
Craig gets the shark monster high and sets it on fire, then the oil rig blows up, with our two survivors making their great escape on the late Doug Bradley's private helicopter. Why didn't the shark monster just jump into the water? The water would have extinguished the flames, and being primarily aquatic, the ocean seems like the perfect environment for the shark monster, but he's a junkie, so what the fuck does he know?
Proteus is 96 minutes long, and I could feel every single second of that 96 minutes. This was an endurance test, and it nearly broke me. How could it be so boring? It's impossibly dull, and I can't comprehend how that could have possibly happened. There's nothing to recommend, here. It's a fucking travesty that this movie exists. It's like a crime against humanity. Nobody in this thing matters. Nothing in this thing matters.
Even when a giant animatronic shark monster makes an appearance in the climax, I felt nothing but seething hatred and disgust. Clearly the special effects crew put a lot of effort into this big monster, but it looks so stupid and so ugly that I just groaned when I saw it. It couldn't have been cheap to design and fabricate this monster, but the people who made it had no imagination. It's just a big thing, and that's not enough to make it interesting.
What a tremendous pile of shit this movie is. Proteus is truly one of the worst things I have ever seen in my life. It gave me a headache. It made me want to punch a hole in the world. I think I just want to sit in the dark and cry for a little while.
YOUR TIME IS RUNNING OUT!
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