So what the hell is going on out there, kiddies? Anything exciting? It's October, and that's pretty cool, right? I know it's a little difficult to revel in most of the spooky trappings of this season when it seems like our everyday lives are a never-ending horror movie, but we must always remember to keep the spirit of Halloween alive in our blackened hearts, not just during the month of October, but all year round.
Most folks will extoll the virtues of the spirit of Christmas, but those people are fucking boring and you know that. Straight-laced, conservative Christian assholes who project a veneer of milquetoast commonality, but that façade tends to hide a banal brand of monstrousness that puts the likes of Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers to shame. Don't ever trust those people, because they will stab you in the back with a strained rictus grin plastered to their vacant, mannequin-esque faces if they don't think you fit their particular mold. Halloween people know better than to trust those types. We've seen too many spooky movies to fall for that crap.
And what exactly is the so-called "Christmas Spirit", anyway? Generosity? Charity? Good will? Do you really need to put those virtues under the umbrella of a religious holiday in order to follow them? And how many of those people are out there practicing what they preach? Not too damn many. There are few things more repugnant in this world than a self-righteous believer who thinks that tithing and spending an hour per week chanting in a poorly-ventilated chapel give them license to tell other folks who are just trying to live their lives that they're inherently sinful and unclean simply for having the temerity to exist on the same fucking planet as their blessed selves. Halloween people don't play those games.
And besides, a freshly carved Jack-O'-Lantern is always going to be a cooler holiday icon than a damned Christmas Tree. Or a crucifix. Although a really brutal-looking, blood-soaked crucifix could always double as a Halloween decoration in a pinch. Just paint a skull over Jesus's face with some White-Out and you're golden. Tell people it's a Día de los Muertos thing. The bottom line is that Christmas just sucks and all the cool kids have known that for years. Halloween is where it's at. People may get a little randy at times during a Christmas party, but they get down at a Halloween party. And your parents won't let you dress up as Freddy Krueger when you go to church on Christmas Eve.
Now that I've scared everybody away, it's time to introduce my audience of purely theoretical readers to the latest episode of Trappo's Chap House. Continuing our month-long sojourn down this spooooooky seasonal road, our second chapter of Halloween frivolity focuses on haunted houses. Not "actual" haunted houses, but actual "haunted houses", those places where average folks pay good money to get startled numerous times by very questionable individuals wearing dumb masks hiding in dark corners while walking slowly through the shoddily decorated husk of a long-abandoned Office Max at the ass-end of an over-the-hill strip mall. More specifically, this particular episode covers the adventures of your intrepid hosts on both sides of the haunted house experience. Listen below, or on iTunes or Apple Podcasts or whatever, or direct from Podomatic if that's what floats your boat. I don't kink shame.
Chapter 666: Trappo's SPOOK House! (Part 2)
That's all I've got for you this time, friends. But don't you worry, for there will be more spine-chilling Halloween madness on this blog soon. How soon? Well, I can't rightly say. Probably a week from now. Maybe sooner. Maybe later. But probably not sooner, if I'm being honest. Until then, stay spooky!
Shit, is that the best I can do? "Stay spooky"? Jesus. This really hasn't been one of my better posts, has it? What exactly was I trying to say earlier? Whatever it was supposed to be, I really lost the plot relatively quickly and it shows. Eh, it's my blog and I can fill this space however I want. When you've been doing this for over a decade, at some point you just have to come to terms with the fact that not every post is going to be a winner. So I phoned it in this week. Big deal. It's not like anybody really reads this crap anyway.
So stay spooky, motherfuckers!
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