Clash Of The... ZZZZZZ

Medusa had a really shit life.

She was a vey beautiful woman. So beautiful in fact, that some people said she was more beautiful than the goddess Athena, herself. So beautiful, that Poseidon wanted a piece of that action.

As Greek gods were wont to do, old Poseidon decided to get his rape on with poor, unsuspecting Medusa. After the deed was done, Poseidon awkwardly crept away, back to the ocean depths, secure in his supreme dickery.

Meanwhile, distraught and victimized Medusa flees to Athena's temple, begging for help. So what does kind, thoughtful Athena do?

Why, she does what any deity in her position would do: she turns Medusa into a nightmarish abomination, part woman and part snake, with a face so ugly that it will turn all men who gaze upon it into stone.

Athena does this because she is a jealous bitch. This is par for the course with the Greek pantheon. For the longest time, I thought the word Olympus was Greek for "asshole".

But what would you expect from a group of immortals shat out of the loins of the decidedly barbaric Titans, swallowed whole by their father Cronus, who feared that they would one day rise up against him and his kind, casting them into Tartarus for all time.

Not an ideal childhood.

Most of the Greek gods spent the majority of their time murdering, raping, and generally fucking with mortals for their own amusement. Zeus himself especially loved transforming into various animals and forcing himself upon multitudes of young women. It was his gimmick.

Now try to picture mighty Zeus in the form of a golden swan raping a young virgin in Crete while her family looks on, shrugging their shoulders and mumbling impotently about the will of the gods.

Zeus had his divine fingers in many pies, and consequently, he sired many bastard children. And Zeus's wife (and sister) Hera hated them.

The most famous of Zeus's half-mortal spawn, Heracles, was relentlessly tormented by Hera. As an infant, she dispatched two deadly serpents to kill the young demi-god in his crib. Badass Heracles strangled the serpents, one in each hand, foiling Hera's plans.

Years later, Heracles married and had two children. Wrathful Hera drove Heracles mad in his sleep, and in his madness he brutally murdered his two precious children. Great job.

In his grief, Heracles sought the wisdom of the Oracle of Delphi. The Oracle, manipulated by Hera, led Heracles to Eurystheus, king of Tiryns and supreme dickhead. Eurystheus forced Heracles to perform the legendary Twelve Labors.

Long story short, Heracles spent the rest of his life in Hera-induced misery, with only brief moments of respite. Only in death did Zeus intervene, raising his son up to Mt. Olympus to join the Green pantheon.

In short, Zeus is a terrible father.

I suppose this brings me to "Clash Of The Titans", directed by Louis Leterrier, which I believe is French for "the terrier".

I was not really looking forward to writing this entry in my online journal of solitude and self-loathing. Not necessarily because the film is bad, but because I find it so difficult to recall much of the film.

I saw it on Saturday afternoon, and by Saturday evening, the events of the film had almost completely escaped me. It didn't leave much of an impression on me, which I find more disturbing than simply being bad.

If a film is bad, then you usually take something away from that film. You remember how bad it is, you crack jokes about it, you ridicule it. It's memorable. Not in the way the filmmakers intended, but memorable, nonetheless.

If a film is mediocre, it tends to evaporate. People might ask you about the film, and you don't really have anything to say about it. It just exists. I hate mediocrity.

Tim Burton's "Alice In Wonderland" is a bad movie. No question about it. But I fucking remember it. Sometimes I wish I could forget it, but it remains burned in my memory, somewhere between vague recollections of the first time I smoked marijuana and getting bitten by a brown recluse spider on election day, 2000.

It was simply too close to call!

"Clash Of The Titans" is mediocre. From beginning to end, top to bottom, a middle-of-the-road exercise in "meh".

I remember the original, 1981 "Clash Of The Titans", directed by Desmond Davis, but guided by the gentle hand of stop-motion effects master Ray Harryhausen.

I first saw 1981's "Clash" when I was a young boy. The effects obviously left a big impression on me, but I also loved the story. Perseus falls in love with Andromeda, wins her hand in marriage, and slays the gorgon Medusa to save Andromeda from becoming dinner for the monstrous Kraken.

It's a simple story, and it still works. Sure, it's not a great movie, and it has its share of problems. Harry Hamlin, for one. Bless him for trying, but he's just not a very good actor. The movie also gets a tad boring, at times.

I still don't hate Bubo, though. A whole lot of people do, and that's fine. I can see why Bubo might not be everyone's cup of tea. But against all logic, I find that dumb clockwork owl endearing.

The '81 "Clash" also gave me my first tasteful glimpse of nudity, which I still appreciate.

I love how the movie begins:

Zeus knocks up Danae, locked up by her father, King Acrisius of Argos, hoping to avoid a prophecy that he would die if his daughter produced a son.

After Acrisius learns of his daughter's pregnancy, he places his daughter and her newborn son Perseus in a wooden coffin and sets them adrift. Zeus gets pissed off, kills Acrisius, and has Poseidon summon the Kraken to completely annihilate Argos, killing thousands of people.

So the prophecy was fulfilled, but only because Acrisius decided to be a dick and kill his grandson. If he'd just left well enough alone and actually tried to be a grandpa, everything would have been fine.

I find that very funny.

What do we get in the remake? Danae, wife of Acrisius, gets fucked by Zeus (who looks like Acrisius at the time), so Acrisius decides to pack his wife and newborn step-son into a gilded coffin and toss them into the sea.

Zeus tosses a thunderbolt down, disfiguring Acrisius... and that's it. Eeehh...

In the original "Clash", Perseus was always aware of his divine heritage, and even embraced it. In the new "Clash", Perseus finds out about his divine deadbeat dad as an adult, and shuns his father and his gifts, to the detriment of his fellow travelers.

Lots of people get killed simply because Perseus wants to prove to his father that he, a simple fisherman's son, can save the day without big daddy's help. Asshole.

Early on, Zeus gives Perseus a cool Greek Lightsaber, a weapon that only works in the hands of Perseus. But Perseus gives his old man the finger, because obviously he doesn't need any help to slay Medusa and save Andromeda-- I mean the city of Argos, from the Kraken.

I forgot, in the remake, Perseus may not even be aware that Andromeda exists. He's not even really out to slay the Kraken as much as get revenge on Hades, who killed his adopted mother and father for no reason.

In this version, the Kraken is the creation of Hades, and not Poseidon, and it was used by the Greek gods to overthrow their tyrannical ancestors, the Titans. Yeah...

Poseidon, played by Danny "I played a retarded vampire in '30 Days Of Night'" Huston, has maybe two lines in the film. And he has more lines than any of the other gods, save Zeus and Hades.

On IMDB, I see that Izabella Miko played Athena. I don't recall seeing her in the film, which is a good thing. Because she's awful. Just awful. Watch "The Forsaken" and tell me she's not the worst.

Where was I?

Shit. I'm still rambling about this fucking movie.

In this modern epic, the gods of Olympus need prayers to retain their power over mortals. I don't recall that little wrinkle ever being mentioned in Greek mythology, but this movie just runs with it.

Hades hates Zeus because Zeus rules the world of men, while Hades rules the underworld. This, at least, is accurate. Hades was the first-born of Cronus, and felt ruling the mortal realm was his birthright, and that younger sibling Zeus cheated him.

So Hades has a plan to use the Kraken to make the men and women of the world fear him, empowering him to overthrow Zeus and become king of the gods.

Hades is played by Ralph Fiennes, and he sounds exactly like his Voldemort in the "Harry Potter" films. He also has a shitty wig and a shitty beard. He transforms into a pack of harpies from time to time, just to fuck with people. And he's eeeeviiiilll.

Liam Neeson plays Zeus, and he also has a shitty wig with matching shitty beard. He also likes to turn into a bald eagle and fly around. I have no idea why.

I wonder if Ralph and Liam were ever hanging around the set of the film, in full make-up and costume, trying not to make eye-contact with each other as they try to forget that they were once in "Schindler's List".

An irregular plank of oakwood with a buzzcut named Sam Worthington plays Perseus. I don't know how he did it, but Worthington somehow managed in his "performance" to make Harry Hamlin look like a gifted actor.

I've seen "Terminator: Salvation". I've seen "Avatar". And now I have seen "Clash Of The Titans". Can someone please tell me why this surfboard with hair has a career? I don't get it.

Gemma Arterton plays Io, cursed with immortality for some reason that escapes me. She has been watching Perseus since the day he was born, which makes things a little creepy when the plot makes it clear that these two are destined to fuck.

This character does not appear in the 1981 film. In fact, the only Io I recall from Greek mythology was a priestess of Hera who Zeus fucked.

To spare her the wrath of jealous Hera, Zeus then turned her into a cow, and she wandered the world, eventually finding herself in Egypt, of all places.

The Io in The Terrier's "Clash" is very old and very wise, although she looks like Gemma Arterton, which is a lovely consolation prize. She follows Perseus and his band of god fodder on their quest, although I'm never quite sure why.

I suppose because the plot demands it.

Arterton played Strawberry Fields in "Quantum Of Solace". She showed up, said a few things, then died naked in her hotel room, covered in oil. Sexiest corpse of 2008.

She's fine in this film. Her accent helps sell a lot of awful dialogue, and her looks sometimes made me forget that I was watching such a non-movie. As far as I'm concerned, she's the best part of the film.

Sure, her character is almost completely superfluous, but if Io was not in this version of "Clash", I probably would have fallen asleep or wandered into the men's room to cry in the handicapped stall, because I was so bored.

I'm a sucker for a pretty face.

Anyway, Perseus befriends a Djinn, although I think the screenwriters were confused as to what a mythological Djinn actually is.

Traditionally, the Djinn were beings composed of fire that were sometimes considered lesser angels, that either lived in remote locations or in a parallel dimension. They possessed great power and were natural tricksters.

In "Clash", Djinn are wooden people who can ride giant scorpions and summon blue fire. They're also apparently suicide bombers. The Djinn character in the film is grabbed by Medusa, says something incomprehensible in an over-processed voice, then blows himself up.

That seems a tad insensitive to me, the Djinn being the only vaguely arabic character in the film. But whatever.

Io dies, somehow. I don't quite remember how, but it happens. She turns into fairy dust, then blows away. It's very sad.

Mads Mikkelson, who played the villain that cried blood in "Casino Royale", plays a veteran soldier named Draco who joins Perseus on his quest. He looks like The Rock's older brother in this film. He's "The Boulder", I guess.

It's like he wandered off a deleted scene from "The Scorpion King", and found himself in this movie. I found his appearance bizarre, but he's the best actor in the film. He keeps telling Perseus to embrace his divine heritage, in order to preserve the lives of his soldiers.

He gets killed by Medusa. Naturally.

So does that kid from "About A Boy". He popped up as "Greek Soldier #6", I believe.

Medusa in the new "Clash" is a digital creation, of course. She moves too damned fast, and the effects wizards decided to give her the face of a Russian supermodel, which seems like an odd choice.

I still felt a little sorry for her when Perseus lopped off her head, because poor Medusa got royally screwed by the gods. I guess it was a mercy killing.

The Kraken takes forever and a day to rise out of the waters in the harbor of Argos. Pegasus shows up to take Perseus back to Argos, who is now all by himself thanks to ignoring his divinity and getting his entire party killed.

Andromeda is all tied up, about to be devoured by the decidedly Lovecraftian version of the Kraken in this film, and Perseus turns the big prick to stone in the nick of time.

Hades shows up, and tells Perseus that being a god, it's impossible to kill him. Perseus tosses his Greek Lightsaber at the evil one, and he is banished back to the underworld.

So Andromeda is saved, and Perseus couldn't care less. He's brooding on a beach when Zeus pops up again, his beard practically falling off of his face. Perseus says something stupid that my mind refused to remember, then Zeus resurrects Io, because he wants his son to get laid.

That's how the story ends. Perseus rejects his father's gifts until he decides not to, using said gifts to save the day. What a hypocrite.

Polly Walker showed up to play Cassiopeia, Queen of Argos and mother to Andromeda. She says one thing, then Hades ages her to death. She was great as Atia in HBO's excellent series "Rome", but she's completely wasted here in her two minute walk-on role.

I just wanted to mention Polly Walker before I wrapped this mess up. She's pretty.

So Lou Terrier's "Clash Of The Titans" is a big, boring waste of two hours. I will likely never see this film again. In a few days, I will likely forget I ever saw it, in the first place.

That's for the best.