"I met him six years ago. I was told there was nothing left. No reason, no conscience, no understanding; even the most rudimentary sense of screen presence, or talent.I met this 34 year-old man, with this blank, emotionless face and the blackest eyes... the devil's eyes.
I spent two years trying to watch him act, and then another four trying to avoid him because I realized what was living behind that man's eyes was purely and simply... evil."
Anyway. "Date Night" is a movie...
It's a movie. It stars Steve Carell, Tina Fey, and it's... a movie.
Shit. I was complaining last week about how completely unmemorable "Clash Of The Titans" was, and then I saw this fucking movie. I don't remember it. The plot simply doesn't exist in my head.
Let me try and piece it together, here...
So Tina Fey and Steve Carell are a married couple named Foster, and they have at least one child. Maybe two. I'm not sure. Probably two. Let's say more than one, and less than three. That's fair.
They're in what the experts call "a rut". Trapped in nearly fetishistic routines, even leaving the kids with a babysitter every week to have their regular "date night" at a lame, local restaurant where the waiter knows them by name. It's a shame, really.
Fey and Carell learn that another couple they know are getting divorced. The husband is played by Mark Ruffalo, who just pops up with a mighty beard, says a few things, then gets the fuck out of the movie while he still can.
Carell realizes that their married life is getting stale, and doesn't want his marriage to fall apart, so he decides that this week, they'll forego their regular setting and have their date night at a fancy restaurant in New York City called "Claw".
When they arrive, they can't make a reservation because the place is packed to the gills. So Carell chooses to take a reservation from a no-show couple called "the Tripplehorns".
Oh Christ, I don't care. I just don't care.
You've seen the trailer, you know what happens. Mobsters confuse the Fosters with the Tripplehorns, and they want the flash drive. What flash drive? The flash drive that belongs to mobster Joe Miletto, played by the ghost of Ray Liotta.
What the fuck happened to Ray Liotta? He used to be somebody!
He was in "Goodfellas", "Field of Dreams", and "Copland", dammit! What gives?
I mean sure, he's starred in plenty of films that most respected film critics would call "crap", but at least in the 1990's, those crap films were entertaining. He gave a shit about his performances.
Look at "No Escape". It is by no means a "good movie", but it's never boring. And at least Liotta fucking acts in the damn movie.
"Unlawful Entry"? Not a masterpiece. But he plays a good psycho. Ditto in "Turbulence". Memorable lunatic. That was his niche. And dammit, it was a respectable one.
Then came "Heartbreakers". Remember that one? Sigourney Weaver and Jennifer Love-Hewitt playing mother-daughter con artists? That movie is fucking pointless. I don't know why it exists. And sure enough, Liotta is there. And you can see the spark of life in his eyes go dark.
He dies creatively in that movie.
Then "Narc" comes along, and I believe for one brief moment that Ray Liotta is back. He's gonna make smarter choices, work with hungry directors with talent to spare and write a killer third act for the story of his life.
Alas, that was not to be. His filmography throughout the first decade of this century just depresses me. He's purely on auto-pilot, and it shows.
Aside from an oddly inspired gimmick that works Liotta into the underrated "Bee Movie", the only recent films I even enjoyed him in were "Observe and Report" and "Youth In Revolt".
He was good in "Observe". I won't argue that. But his part in that film was hardly a creative stretch. The hard-ass cop role is in his comfort zone.
Liotta is barely in "Youth In Revolt". And surprise, surprise, he plays a hard-ass cop! Nothing new, there.
I mean, "In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale"? Are you fucking kidding me? "Wild Hogs"? Holy shit.
Did Liotta lose a lot of money to the wrong people in the late '90's? Does he owe millions in back taxes to the IRS? I know a lot of actors take the occassional role for a paycheck, but for the love of God, how many paychecks do you need, Ray Liotta?!
Is he supporting an insane cocaine habit, or something? What's the excuse for starring in a film by Dr. Uwe Boll? Does he have incriminating photos? What's the deal?
That brings me back to "Date Night". Liotta plays a mobster. Yeah, it's difficult to imagine, I know.
So the Tripplehorns stole a flash drive from his character, Joe Miletto, and Miletto sends his goons, played by Jimmi Simpson and Common, to get it back.
Now I like Jimmi Simpson. He was great in his semi-regular appearances on The Late Show With David Letterman a few years back as shady intern Lyle. He had a good rapport with Letterman, and he was very funny.
He's also great as recurring character Liam McPoyle on "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia", one of my favorite shows on television. The McPoyles are a greasy, milk-obsessed, incestuous clan of inbred felons. Simpson plays brother Liam as an insanely self-confident malcontent, all sweat and swagger.
He's actually hilarious on "It's Always Sunny".
He doesn't really do much of anything in "Date Night". He's a crooked cop in Miletto's pocket, and that's it. He's perfectly serviceable in the role, but he brings nothing to it. It was surprising. I don't know what went wrong.
Maybe I do. Director Adam Shankman paired Simpson with fucking Common!
I swear, Common is fucking hollow. He has to be some kind of golem, sculpted from clay by a brain-damaged wizard with a chip on his shoulder. When Common has to do anything, his handlers write it down on a slip of paper and shove it down his throat.
"play soldier in Terminator sequel" *gulp*
"make lame rap album" *gulp*
"play pretend cop in shitty comedy" *gulp*
I simply do not understand the appeal of this man. He has no screen presence. He has no charisma. He has nothing going on for him, as an actor. Am I missing something?
He also has Michael Myers eyes. Common's eyes perfectly match the description Quint gives about the tiger sharks that attacked the survivors of the USS Indianapolis in "Jaws".
"He's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes."
That's Common. His ancestors were sharks! Big, dumb sharks with no talent! That's the only explanation.
Anyway. "Date Night" is a movie...
It's a movie. It stars Steve Carell, Tina Fey, and it's... a movie.
Shit. I was complaining last week about how completely unmemorable "Clash Of The Titans" was, and then I saw this fucking movie. I don't remember it. The plot simply doesn't exist in my head.
Let me try and piece it together, here...
So Tina Fey and Steve Carell are a married couple named Foster, and they have at least one child. Maybe two. I'm not sure. Probably two. Let's say more than one, and less than three. That's fair.
They're in what the experts call "a rut". Trapped in nearly fetishistic routines, even leaving the kids with a babysitter every week to have their regular "date night" at a lame, local restaurant where the waiter knows them by name. It's a shame, really.
Fey and Carell learn that another couple they know are getting divorced. The husband is played by Mark Ruffalo, who just pops up with a mighty beard, says a few things, then gets the fuck out of the movie while he still can.
Carell realizes that their married life is getting stale, and doesn't want his marriage to fall apart, so he decides that this week, they'll forego their regular setting and have their date night at a fancy restaurant in New York City called "Claw".
When they arrive, they can't make a reservation because the place is packed to the gills. So Carell chooses to take a reservation from a no-show couple called "the Tripplehorns".
Oh Christ, I don't care. I just don't care.
You've seen the trailer, you know what happens. Mobsters confuse the Fosters with the Tripplehorns, and they want the flash drive. What flash drive? The flash drive that belongs to mobster Joe Miletto, played by the ghost of Ray Liotta.
What the fuck happened to Ray Liotta? He used to be somebody!
He was in "Goodfellas", "Field of Dreams", and "Copland", dammit! What gives?
I mean sure, he's starred in plenty of films that most respected film critics would call "crap", but at least in the 1990's, those crap films were entertaining. He gave a shit about his performances.
Look at "No Escape". It is by no means a "good movie", but it's never boring. And at least Liotta fucking acts in the damn movie.
"Unlawful Entry"? Not a masterpiece. But he plays a good psycho. Ditto in "Turbulence". Memorable lunatic. That was his niche. And dammit, it was a respectable one.
Then came "Heartbreakers". Remember that one? Sigourney Weaver and Jennifer Love-Hewitt playing mother-daughter con artists? That movie is fucking pointless. I don't know why it exists. And sure enough, Liotta is there. And you can see the spark of life in his eyes go dark.
He dies creatively in that movie.
Then "Narc" comes along, and I believe for one brief moment that Ray Liotta is back. He's gonna make smarter choices, work with hungry directors with talent to spare and write a killer third act for the story of his life.
Alas, that was not to be. His filmography throughout the first decade of this century just depresses me. He's purely on auto-pilot, and it shows.
Aside from an oddly inspired gimmick that works Liotta into the underrated "Bee Movie", the only recent films I even enjoyed him in were "Observe and Report" and "Youth In Revolt".
He was good in "Observe". I won't argue that. But his part in that film was hardly a creative stretch. The hard-ass cop role is in his comfort zone.
Liotta is barely in "Youth In Revolt". And surprise, surprise, he plays a hard-ass cop! Nothing new, there.
I mean, "In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale"? Are you fucking kidding me? "Wild Hogs"? Holy shit.
Did Liotta lose a lot of money to the wrong people in the late '90's? Does he owe millions in back taxes to the IRS? I know a lot of actors take the occassional role for a paycheck, but for the love of God, how many paychecks do you need, Ray Liotta?!
Is he supporting an insane cocaine habit, or something? What's the excuse for starring in a film by Dr. Uwe Boll? Does he have incriminating photos? What's the deal?
That brings me back to "Date Night". Liotta plays a mobster. Yeah, it's difficult to imagine, I know.
So the Tripplehorns stole a flash drive from his character, Joe Miletto, and Miletto sends his goons, played by Jimmi Simpson and Common, to get it back.
Now I like Jimmi Simpson. He was great in his semi-regular appearances on The Late Show With David Letterman a few years back as shady intern Lyle. He had a good rapport with Letterman, and he was very funny.
He's also great as recurring character Liam McPoyle on "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia", one of my favorite shows on television. The McPoyles are a greasy, milk-obsessed, incestuous clan of inbred felons. Simpson plays brother Liam as an insanely self-confident malcontent, all sweat and swagger.
He's actually hilarious on "It's Always Sunny".
He doesn't really do much of anything in "Date Night". He's a crooked cop in Miletto's pocket, and that's it. He's perfectly serviceable in the role, but he brings nothing to it. It was surprising. I don't know what went wrong.
Maybe I do. Director Adam Shankman paired Simpson with fucking Common!
I swear, Common is fucking hollow. He has to be some kind of golem, sculpted from clay by a brain-damaged wizard with a chip on his shoulder. When Common has to do anything, his handlers write it down on a slip of paper and shove it down his throat.
"play soldier in Terminator sequel" *gulp*
"make lame rap album" *gulp*
"play pretend cop in shitty comedy" *gulp*
I simply do not understand the appeal of this man. He has no screen presence. He has no charisma. He has nothing going on for him, as an actor. Am I missing something?
He also has Michael Myers eyes. Common's eyes perfectly match the description Quint gives about the tiger sharks that attacked the survivors of the USS Indianapolis in "Jaws".
"He's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes."
That's Common. His ancestors were sharks! Big, dumb sharks with no talent! That's the only explanation.
Or maybe he's kin to Michael Myers. We may never know. I just know that I never want to see him act again.
I lost track, again. But I don't really care. After all, I am talking about "Date Night". Who honestly gives a damn, at this point? It's a mediocre comedy about mediocre people doing mediocre things.
Sigh. So the crooked cops are after the Fosters, because they think the Fosters have Mobster Miletto's flash drive. The Fosters go see Marky Mark, because he's some kind of big-time "security consultant" who can help them out of this jam.
The whole point of Marky Mark's character is that he doesn't wear a shirt. He's physically fit, and he never wears a shirt. Tina Fey ogles his shirtless torso, and Steve Carell is perpetually uncomfortable. Uproarious!
This joke's big pay-off arives near the end of the movie, when Steve Carell uses the film's PG-13-mandated single use of the word "fuck" to tell Marky Mark to put on a shirt. Is it worth it?
No. Hell no. Fuck no. Motherfuck no.
At some point, the Foster return to CLAW to retrieve a phone number from the reservation book, and are involved in a positively wacky scene with Olivia Munn. Who is Olivia Munn, you may ask?
She's a talentless void in a generic "sexy" body who is popular among many geek circles because she occassionally panders to them by dressing up as Wonder Woman on TV's equivalent to AXE bodyspray, Attack Of The Show.
I guess I understand why so many nerds think she's "hawt". She pretends to be interested in comic books and video games, and likes to "interact" with her fans by endlessly updating her Twitter feed with pointless drivel puncuated by pointless photos of her adventures in celebrity.
Nerds are easy marks, after all.
She even appeared in Playboy! That's gotta count for something, right? Wait, she didn't pose naked? Not even topless? Then what, may I ask, is the point? You mean you get to see her in her underwear? In Playboy magazine? That's less than nothing, I say.
I don't even know why that upsets me. I don't even find her attractive. Maybe it's just the principle of the thing. Posing for Playboy, yet refusing to be nude. It's fucking Playboy, not Maxim!
You don't get points for covering your boobs with your arms in Playboy magazine, for pity's sake!
I just don't see the point of Olivia Munn. She's not really that attractive. She's not terribly bright. And she has an obnoxious personality. Maybe that's why she's so popular. She fits the criteria for most of the hot, young talent in Hollywood, these days.
I suppose the only question is: why is she not more popular?
I was at Best Buy, today. I saw that Broken Lizard's latest comedy, "The Slammin' Salmon", was available on DVD. I love Broken Lizard. "Super Troopers", "Club Dread", and "Beerfest" are all hilarious movies.
Bill Paxton's "Coconut Pete" is brilliant in "Club Dread". I lose it every time I watch him try to explain the secret ingredient to his paella dish to a dim-bulb chef. And the line "You think Eddie Money has to put up with this shit!?" has become a favorite between me and my brother.
So I figured I'd buy "The Slammin' Salmon" when I saw it on display at Best Buy. So I picked up the DVD, and looked at the case. I read the plot synopsis, glanced at the special features list, and thought to myself "self, this is right up my alley".
Then my eyes wandered down to the film credits on the back of the case. I noticed that Olivia Munn was listed in the cast.
Now I know she had a small role in the film. I've seen the trailers, and noticed her in maybe one shot. But I didn't know her role was substantial enough to actually get listed with the cast on the back of the DVD case.
So I put the DVD down, and bought "Defendor", instead. Sure, "Film Expert" Chris Gore told me to pass on "Defendor" on Attack Of The Show, but fuck Chris Gore!
He recommended "Gentlemen Broncos" for purchase on Attack Of The Show, last month. And told people to pass on "Where The Wild Things Are". What the fuck kind of mind operates like that?!
He also produced and co-wrote "My Big Fat Independent Movie", one of the worst so-called "comedies" I have ever seen in my life. So Chris Gore is a moron.
Anyway, I actually declined to purchase a new comedy from some of my favorite comedians working today, because Olivia Munn has a somewhat prominent role in the film.
Is that irrational? I think that may be irrational.
So... "Date Night"...
I honestly don't have it in me to talk about this movie, anymore. It's not worth it. I didn't like the film, and if anyone out there reads this piss-poor excuse for a blog, don't go see it. Just wait until Friday and see "Kick-Ass", instead.
I'm going to go get really drunk, now. Wish me luck.
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