Medical Emergency

It's that time, kids. A brand-new episode of Lies My Podcast Told Me is right around the corner. But before I unleash the fetid beast of podcast comedy upon you, I feel compelled to talk about the recent remake of Total Recall, however briefly.

To begin with, I did not want to see the movie. I had no interest in it. I'm a huge fan of the original film, being one of my first R-rated theatrical experiences. At the drive-in, no less. Some of it is surely nostalgia, but I have watched the film many times since then, and I've only come to enjoy it more. It's great. And it's more intelligent than many people believe. Paul Verhoeven knew what he was doing when he directed this picture.

I saw no good reason for a remake to exist. Of course people want to make money, that's what the whole fucking industry is about. And since studios are increasingly terrified of original ideas, they keep going back to the remake well. It's a relatively safe bet. I get it. That doesn't mean I have to like it.

I freely admit that I was against the remake of Total Recall from the beginning, because it didn't need to happen. But I'm an open-minded fellow. I figured it was up to the studio to make me a believer. And they never did. The marketing did absolutely nothing to change my opinion. So why did I see it?

Because my family wanted to go, and it was free. I had nothing else planned on this particular Saturday afternoon, so I just went along with it. I should have just stayed home. I thought The Watch failed to connect with me. This... movie makes The Watch look like... well... I still can't say anything good about that particular movie, because it was awful. But fuck, man. Total Recall?

Make me forget I saw this pitiful excuse for a motion picture.

I wanted to go to sleep. I just wanted to sleep, but the movie wouldn't let me. We arrived late, so we had to sit in the front row of the "director's suite" at the theatre. I spoke of this particular auditorium in a previous post, and my experience was a more or less positive one. But there should not be a front row. I repeat: there should not be a front row in the "director's suite". It's too close to the screen. Three fucking feet from the screen. Too close.

This also means that the center audio channel is three feet from my face, hidden behind the screen. That's too fucking close. The incessant noise prevented me from slipping into a movie-induced coma. And digital projection is fine. From a distance. But when you're close enough to lick the fucking screen, the image becomes a pixellated mess. What a miserable fucking experience. I hated every moment of the two hours I spent sitting in this auditorium. The movie certainly didn't help.

I didn't give a shit about anything I was seeing. It felt like a series of compulsory event that had to occur in order to reach a predetermined conclusion. Sure, that's a description of every motion picture that follows a conventional narrative, but in a good movie you never look at it in that manner. People who give a shit about their craft manage to invest you in the story they're telling. Total Recall 2012 doesn't have time for that.

It needs to be out there shouting at the masses in darkened auditoriums five times a day to grow bloated on the copious amounts of sweet, undeserved revenue it can drain from people too stupid to know better. Story and character and craft just get in the way. This corpulent fucking tick of a movie is worthless.

Oh look! Arnold saw the remake, too!

But is it totally different from the original 1990 film? That's the line the director, cast and crew keep shoving down our throats at every opportunity. They had a valid reason to revisit Philip K. Dick's original story for this motion picture. It's a completely different story! So different, in fact, that Dan O'Bannon and Ron Shusett, the credited screenwriters of the original Total Recall, were given "screen story" credits in the remake. What a bold new direction.

Congratulations, motherfuckers! I can't wait to see how the Robocop remake turns out!

But the biggest sin this film commits: No fucking KUATO KUATO KUATO KUATO

On a lighter note, it's time for a brand-new installment in the AMAZING new series Lies My Podcast Told Me! This episode is entitled The Malpractice Mambo, and it's a scathing indictment of the American healthcare industry. If you look at it in the right way. It's also nine minutes and one second of embittered hilarity. A mobile link is directly below the embed.

Listen to the majesty and emerge a changed man. Or woman. Whatever floats your boat:

Chapter 8: The Malpractice Mambo



The anniversary is close at hand, children. The tribulation begins soon. You have been warned.

The Swedish healthcare industry is sophisticated.