Squid-Splosion!

Hey, everybody! It's Wednesday! You know what that means, right? Right?

Um... right?

That means it's time for a new chapter in the ongoing saga known as Lies My Podcast Told Me.

Isn't that exciting? No? Well... it's coming regardless. Like Godzilla approaching an unsuspecting Tokyo. I'm not seriously trying to compare this middling internet garbage to the majesty of an underpaid Japanese man passing out from heat exhaustion in a heavy rubber suit. I'm simply making a bad analogy.

Shit. I feel like I've lost you already.

Anyway, before I get to the new hotness (fuck me) that is my amazing podcast, I have to get something out of the way. A movie opened several days ago called The Watch. Maybe you've heard of it.

I saw it. I didn't want to see it. But I did. Because it was free. I'll see a lot of movies for free, simply because I enjoy the theatrical experience. At least, I enjoy the theatrical experience in theory. Sometimes it doesn't quite work out. This was one of those times.

Akiva Schaffer, one of those Lonely Island chaps, directed the film. I loved Macgruber, which was directed by his pal Jorma Taccone. And the film was co-written by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, the guys who wrote Pineapple Express and The Green Hornet, two movies I really liked. And one of the leads was played by Richard Ayoade, a fantastic comedic actor from across the pond.

He's great in The IT Crowd. He's great in The Mighty Boosh. And he was Dean Lerner/Thornton Reed in the short-lived BBC masterpiece Garth Marenghi's Darkplace.

I must have watched the six episodes that comprise this series two dozen times. It's endlessly re-watchable, one of the funniest television programs I've ever seen. Seeing Ayoade pop up in a big summer movie was a pleasant surprise for me. He deserves success. He also deserves a movie better than The Watch.

I sat stone-faced throughout the 90-odd minutes of mediocrity this film flinged at me. I laughed once. ONCE. And now I can't even remember what it was that actually made me laugh. That's a bad sign. This movie simply doesn't work. It's broken. I can't believe how thoroughly I hated this movie. Everybody else in the auditorium seemed to enjoy it, though. So maybe I missed something.

Admitting beforehand that I had no interest in seeing The Watch, I'm sure I brought a lot of my own baggage into the screening. But I have no intention of giving this film another chance. I never want to see it again.

The following 1:52 clip from Garth Marenghi's Darkplace is funnier than the entirety of the 101 minutes of The Watch. You're welcome:




Moving on, I am proud to present the seventh installment of the brilliant Lies My Podcast Told Me. This particular episode is all about a movie called Possession, a 1981 oddity starring Sam Neill and Isabelle Adjani. I caught this movie on TCM in January, hooked by the synopsis on my viewing guide.

I remember it saying something about a woman spurning her husband and her lover for a tentacled beast. I couldn't believe this was actually the plot of the film. No way Sam Neill and Isabelle Adjani starred in a movie about a woman who abandons both her husband and her Mr. Mistress for a squid monster.

It's really a very touching and realistic exploration of a disintegrating marriage.

But that's actually what the film is about. I think I may be selling this short. That's not all the film is about. It's also about confusion and madness. And maybe the apocalypse. And milk-blood sweating tantrums in tunnels. Come for the squid-sex, stay for the batshit insanity! If you're looking for a level-headed analysis of the film, I direct you to this recent article on Badass Digest. It's worth reading.

On the other hand, if you're looking for 9 minutes of confused, half-drunk rambling about a movie that nearly drove a man insane, then I direct you below, where you'll find our brand-new podcast. This is Chapter 7, and it's called Nymphomaniac Squid Monsters! Listen to it. With your ears:




That's it for now. Join me at some undetermined point in the near future for a celebration of the third anniversary of The Book Of Lies. I'm going to share something truly monumental with you. That's a fucking promise. Your life will be forever changed.

Enlightenment is on its way!

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, my ass.