"Bein' human in a world full of vampires is like barebackin' a five dollar whore." -Willem Dafoe
Saturday was a lazy day. High Temperatures in the single digits, with the sun deceptively shining down upon the flat, Kansas landscape.
So I decided to spend my day at the local movie hole, gorging myself on the latest new releases: "Daybreakers" and "The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus".
"Daybreakers" was up first, and I arrived in the theatre with 20 minutes to kill. Now I tend to sit away from others, in the rows closer to the screen. The rows that tend to fill out after the "choice" seats behind me are taken.
I do this because I want to be left alone, and it usually works. If the movie I happen to see is a big release, I resign myself to the fact that these noisy mouth-breathers will violate my personal space. And truth be told, "Daybreakers" was no different.
By the time the lights dimmed and the movie started, the theatre was only half full. Unfortunately, most of the audience must have forgotten their prescription lenses, because they all had to sit very close to the screen.
Maybe they wanted to scrutinize the visible pores on Ethan Hawke's face. Perhaps they were writing a collective college thesis on Willem Dafoe's rockin' facial hair.
And the children! My god, the children. What better way to spend your Saturday quality time with your dear, dear children, than to bring them to an R-rated vampire movie?
Young children. Five years old and under. Whining, seat-kicking, screaming, crying, "the monsters made me piss my Pull-Ups" children. Delightful.
A pair of greasy young men sat at my left, seemingly obsessed with Krispy Kreme doughnuts. They talked about these pastries as if they had never tasted something so delicious in all their lives.
I was confused.
The one who sat next to me was playing Scrabble on his iPhone until the trailers started. He was really into that game. A thirty-something married couple sat on my right, talking about their kids.
At least these folks had the decency to leave their spawn with a babysitter, rather than drag them to an R-rated horror film.
On the down side, the wife was apparently mentally retarded and had to have every major plot point of the film explained to her by her patient, understanding husband. This got old rather quickly.
The only trailer I vividly remember before the feature was for "The A*Team". The fact that the trailer made the movie look... entertaining... shocked the hell out of me.
I didn't know what to expect when I heard 20th Century Fox was making a feature film out of "The A*Team". Part of me thought it was just some kind of weird joke. But the trailer I saw was proof of its existence.
And God help me, I want to see it.
I was a little thrown off by Sharlto Copley's southern accent. I didn't think the fella from "District 9" with the very distinctive South African drawl would attempt to portray Howlin' Mad Murdock with the good ole' boy tone.
That alone makes me want to see this movie yesterday.
But there needs to be a scene where B.A. Baracus refuses to get on a plane, only to have the team drage his heavy ass onto said plane after Murdock drugs his delicious glass of milk.
Otherwise, disappointment will ensue.
I suppose I should talk about "Daybreakers". I like the Spierig Brothers. I was a big fan of their first feature, "Undead". It had a nice, home-made charm to it. Plus the oddball explanation for the zombie outbreak (Aliens Fucked Up) was fresh.
Zombie fish didn't hurt.
I was a little surprised that it took these obviously talented siblings six years to make their second film. But "Daybreakers" was worth the wait, I believe.
The world created by the Spierigs seems fleshed-out and inhabited. There are always things happening in the fringes of the frame.
One of my favorite recurring gags in the film is the repeating shots of vampire commuters waiting for the subway, with the camera panning down below the tracks, revealing the monstrous "Subsiders" dwelling just beneath the veneer of their ordered civilization.
Each time this shot repeated, there were fewer civilized vamps waiting for the train, and more starving monsters fighting beneath the tracks. It's not subtle, but it works.
I liked the ever-popular coffee-with-blood. Nice to know that sweet, sweet coffee doesn't disappear in a vampire-infested world gone mad.
Ethan Hawke did a fine job. Willem Dafoe and his shaky country boy accent were quite entertaining. Sam Neill needs to be in more movies.
The method of curing vampirism devised by the Los Bros Spierig was a bit vague. You expose yourself to the burning rays of the sun, dunk yourself in water, and Shazam! Beating heart, no fangs, no problem.
Also, if you've been cured of vampirism and a vampire drinks your blood, it cures them, as well. That led to a nice climactic sequence involving a whole bunch of vamp soldiers in an ever-expanding chain reaction of ravenous feeding.
The first group of soldiers feeds, and becomes human. A larger group of hungry soldiers turns on the poor cured bastards, like desperate junkies in need of a fix.
This culminates in a wonderful slow-motion tableau, all biting and gushing blood and severed limbs tumbling through the air. I smiled.
"Daybreakers" might not be a great movie, but I had great fun watching it.
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