God Hates You: Messiah 2.0

I saw "Legion" yesterday afternoon. I have some stuff to say about it.

It was a lovely Saturday afternoon. The Sun was shining. The birds were singing. With the outside temperature a balmy 53 degrees, a rarity for this time of year, I left for the cinema with my brother without a coat.

We arrived at our destination with plenty of time, bought our tickets, and stopped at the concession pavillion for a large popcorn (my brother) and a Dr Pepper (me). Two seconds after we tell the clerk what we want, the computer network goes down. The whole network.

So now there are a dozen concession clerks standing around with their thumbs up their asses, unable to do basic math in their heads. Hey Corky, you do realize that the tax is included with your concession prices, right? You don't need to cross that percentage hurdle today!

After five minutes waiting for the God of Windows to grant the clerk's wish and make the magic box work again, I hand the man ten dollars and we just walk away with our stuff. This problem was never my concern.

We make our way to the theatre and take our seats, behind a gaggle of preteens escorted by their hillbilly trucker hat-wearing father.

Shortly before the movie begins, one of the Boxcar Children spills his entire large beverage on himself and runs out of the theatre screaming.

Nobody follows him. Daddy's too busy eating nachos and watching the 3 year-old and tired-as-hell THX "Plant Orchestra" intro projected on the silver screen before his bloodshot eyes.

My brother and I both thought it was rather funny.

So the feature presentation begins with some narration by that girl who got killed by the Yellow Eyed Demon in the pilot episode of "Supernatural", rambling about how her mother used to tuck her in and tell her that God loves her every night when she was a little girl.

Until her father skipped town and left them high and dry. After that night, when she tucked her daughter in, she told her little girl that one day a real rain is gonna come and wash the scum off the streets. It's pointless.

And more pointlessly, this exact same soundbyte plays again at the end of the movie. The same fucking narration. It doesn't change one bit, which is stupid, given how the events of the film obviously change her worldview.

But that's not important, because this is just one of the many ways in which "Legion" steals from the "Terminator" series. But I will get back to that.

Now I recap the film's plot:

Archangel Michael, played by Paul "that albino guy who tries to kill Tom Hanks in 'The Da Vinci Code' " Bettany, comes to Los Angeles, chopping off his wings and stealing a shit-ton of guns before stealing a police car and driving out to a quaint gas station/diner in the middle of the desert to protect the young, boring and pregnant waitress played by the girl who gets killed by the Yellow Eyed Demon in the pilot episode of "Supernatural" (She's also in the 'Friday Night Lights' TV shot, I guess) from an army of angels.

Jesus, that's a long run-on sentence.

It seems that God got bored playing in this sandbox, and he decided to go all Old Testament on the world again, cleansing the globe of the sinful talking monkeys with a plague of angry angels, who curiously manifest on Earth by possessing the weak-willed.

This is illustrated by a "Jacob's Ladder"-esque head-shaking effect, which actually reminds me more of the sequence in the brilliant "Innerspace" where Dennis Quaid (connection!) stimulates Martin Short's facial muscles to make him look like Robert Picardo.

And once possessed, by an angel of the Lord, these people now have evil black eyes, and evil sharp teeth, and their eyebrows tend to disappear. This looks more like demonic possession to me. But what do I know? I didn't direct this masterpiece.

Meanwhile, some old lady comes into the diner, says "your baby's gonna fucking burn", chews on some dickhead's throat, then gets shot by Tyrese. Everybody freaks out, and Paul Bettany shows up in his hot cop car, sheet music tattooed all over his rebellious ass, ready to fuck shit up.

So the world is besieged by angel-possessed feeble-minded douchebags, and Kyle Reese, I mean Michael is here, dressed in a trench coat to save the pregnant girl, because her baby (does she name the baby "John"?) is destined to save mankind.

Everyone else in the diner, Michael could give less than a shit about, including such fine actors as TV's Kate Walsh, TV's Charles S. Dutton, and "The Alamo" star Dennis Quaid. Oh, and that guy Lucas Black, who most people probably remember from "The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift", but I'll always know him as the son of the evil Sheriff from the sadly canceled 1995 series "American Gothic".

There's a huge cloud of flies buzzing toward the diner early on, but when the plague of insects reaches the diner, they just fly by and Dennis Quaid stares at all the little bugs as they zoom overhead.

So this scene accomplishes nothing.

Early that first night, as Michael and the angel fodder stand guard on the roof, an ice cream truck pulls into the parking lot.

Doug Jones, Guillermo Del Toro's favorite "man in suit" prosthetics guy, steps out of the ice cream truck, roars like a retarded lion with a digitally extended jaw, stretches out his arms and legs and comes galloping toward the diner like a clumsy gazelle. Then everybody shoots him, and he dies.

So this scene accomplishes nothing.

A little later on, a big gaggle of cars approaches the diner, being driven by people apparently being angel-possessed en route, with their heads shaking behind the wheel.

This seems a little dangerous to me, because it's hard to keep your eyes on the road when your head is shaking relentlessly back and forth. But whatever.

So Michael and his angel-slaying crew spot this great big convoy driving through the night, and they open fire on the hapless head-shaking bastards, killing most of them. The ones that make it through don't really attempt to break into the diner, either. They just kinda hang out.

So this scene accomplishes nothing.

Then maybe 30 minutes of nothing happens, with all the characters pairing up and talking about their pasts and I don't fucking care.

Fox television's "Roc" gets killed when the throatless dickhead blows up outside the diner, covering him with acid, I guess. Dennis Quaid blames himself, and drinks some warm beer.

Lucas Black stares longingly at Sarah Conn--Charlie, but she's too busy smoking in the bathroom to notice. Then she gives birth. Then "Private Practice" freaks out and tries to give the baby to the angelic monsters playing Uno outside. She dies.

Then Kevin Durand shows up. He plays (the Terminator) the Archangel Gabriel. He's come to do what Michael swore not to do, and kill that fucking baby. He has a big mace and bulletproof wings. Walking in the diner, all badass.

Michael shoots at him, which accomplishes nothing, because he has bulletproof fucking wings! Gabriel beats him up, then Michael shoots at him again. You'd think this moron would learn his lesson by now, but no. Gabriel impales him with a retractable blade in his uber-mace, a mortal wound.

This is a scene I actually enjoy, here. Kevin Durand brings some real emotion to his performance. You can see the conflict in his eyes. He doesn't want to kill his brother. He hates his brother for defying God's will, but he still loves him. And when he watches Michael die, he cries. It really works.

Then Michael just dissolves into beams of light. Gay.

Tokyo Drift and Friday Night Lights drive the fuck out of there, and Dennis Quaid, drunk and dying, blows up the diner with the Gabriel-Nator inside it. It's not a gasoline tanker, but it'll do.

Gabriel catches up to their car, in true death from above style, wings furiously flapping as he tries to kill that fucking baby. But wait! Michael comes swooping down from the skies, sword in hand, and he saves the day!

You thought he was dead. I thought he was dead. He got better.

I guess Michael's actions convinced God that maybe humanity is worth saving, after all, so he gave the poor guy his wings back. That's all well and good, but you already started the fucking Apocalypse, you wishy-washy psychotic Supreme Being!

And don't give me that "mysterious ways" bullshit. This is just God on the rag.

Michael spares Gabriel, who flies off in one of his infamous "black moods". Tokyo Drift notices that his body is now covered in the same fucking sheet music that's all over Michael. The angel calls them "instructions", and that he must learn to read them. Then he tells the young man to "find the prophets". That's all a little vague. But thanks for stopping by, pal.

Then Michael flies away, back to REM's "Losing My Religion" video, and we leave our surviving heroes as they drive through the desert. Charlie's holding the baby, wearing a fucking headband, and Jeep (yes his name is Jeep) is wearing a leather vest, smiling like a retard as he drives... to find the prophets, I guess.

Maybe he's headed to Alcatraz to hook up with Malcom McDowell. Maybe when he gets there, he'll meet Mila Kunis and dump the chick with the kid.

Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention that the film takes place in late December. So the baby is born on Christmas Day. That's right. Jesus is back, baby.

This movie isn't great. When it works, it's ripping off the "Terminator" franchise just as much as "The Prophecy" movies, and when it doesn't work, it's just fucking boring.

I don't give a damn about any of these characters. Except for Gabriel.

Kevin Durand manages to bring more emotion and pathos to his small role in the film's third act than anybody else in the film. He kills as the loyal Archangel to Paul Bettany's rebellious Michael.

But that didn't surprise me. He was the best part of the 20th Century Fox nightmare "X-Men Origins: Wolverine".

So "Legion" is entertaining at times. But mostly it sucks.

I think I've wasted enough time on this movie.