Movie Day Part 2: Tom Waits For No Man

After "Daybreakers" ended, I had a little time on my hands before the next feature, "The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus", began. So I chose to spend that time in the arcade.

I miss arcades.

My town used to be infested with them. Then, one by one, they died a sad, slow death.

Most of my youth was wasted in these arcades, playing "Tron", "Dragon's Lair", and "Galaga" in the early days.

As I matured, the age of the fighting game began. Many hours were spent in these chaotic and noisy video game dungeons, humiliating numerous strangers at the "Street Fighter", "Mortal Kombat" and "Tekken" cabinets, a stack of quarters balancing next to the well-worn joystick.

"Joystick"... heh.

Shooting games and skee ball. Nervously feeding the change machine my folded and torn dollar bills, frustration mounting as the mechanical bastard spat out my half-ruined money time and time again. So many memories.

Ah, nostalgia.

The "arcade" at my local movie house is a rather depressing hole in a wall, populated with battered old machines that are clearly on their last legs.

The arcade used to have "Galaga". It used to have a kitschy old "Elvira" pinball machine. I would gravitate toward those old workhorses every time I dared to venture into this place.

Then one day, some drunken douchebag decided he hated fun, and he had a nervous breakdown in the arcade. He smashed up the "Elvira" pinball machine, and pushed over the vintage "Galaga" cabinet, before being hauled away by the local police.

Rather than invest in repairing these games, the management decided to junk them. They were replaced with a half-broken "Gunblade" cabinet, and one of those "insert your coins to win a stuffed animal" claw machines.

The days of wine and roses were over.

But I had time to waste this day, and an old dollar bill in my pocket. So I inserted my money into the bastard change machine. Then I tried again. And again. And again.

Finally, four quarters were shat out into the dented steel bowl. My eyes wandered around the garish sights of the arcade.

I eventually decided to "play" a quick game of "Gunblade". The rear projection screen barely functioned. The game lasted barely one minute, because I couldn't see a fucking thing. It was a complete waste of my coveted 50 cents.

The nerve of these people, charging 50 cents to play a game that doesn't really work. I suppose I am the fool for actually attempting to play the fucking thing.

After the "Gunblade" debacle, I decided to play it safe and spend my last four bits on a rousing game of "Star Wars Arcade". I still enjoy this game. And I had a good time playing it.

I managed to burn a good ten minutes blasting TIE Fighters before I finally succumbed to the damned Death Star's laser turrets.

Time sufficiently wasted, I bought a Dr. Pepper (they got my letters!) and made my way to the theatre to watch Terry Gilliam's latest movie that nearly wasn't, "The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus".

Fewer people showed up to this movie. The many available seats in the auditorium didn't stop an elderly couple from sitting next to me, however.

Not right next to me; I placed my coat on the seat at my left. But during the movie, the old fella sitting on my left kept touching my fucking coat.

His hand just kept wandering to the right, gently slapping the unoccupied seat.

Slapping my fucking coat.

After maybe the tenth time he did this, I turned to him and told him to stop touching my fucking coat.

He stared at me, mouth gaping, acting as though he didn't understand a word I had just said. His watery eyes looked right through me, as if I were some kind of asshole ghost.

Finally, he turned his head and folded his hands in his lap. His hands remained in his lap for the remainder of the film.

So, "Doctor Parnassus"... Terry Gilliam is one of my very favorite filmmakers. I wrote an extensive article about his titanic struggle with the studio system over his masterpiece "Brazil" during my school days. I got an "A". Hooray for me!

But I love all of his films. From "Time Bandits" and "Baron Munchausen" to "The Fisher King", "Twelve Monkeys", and "Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas". I love them all.

Even "Tideland". And nobody likes "Tideland".

I remember seeing "Twelve Monkeys" with my good friend Scott when we were dickish little teenagers. In a small, crowded theatre on a cold, snowy Winter evening. I cherish that memory.

I think I'm getting too wistful.

I always wait for a Terry Gilliam film with some trepidation, however. The man seems to have the worst possible luck. For every film he has successfully unleashed upon the world, there are at least two that never made it.

And after his film "The Man Who Killed Don Quixote" collapsed less than a week into princple photography, seemingly because God himself wanted to piss on Gilliam's dreams, I began to wonder if the poor, talented bastard was well and truly cursed.

When Heath Ledger died during production of "The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus", I no longer wondered.

But the movie refused to die. Gilliam talked Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell into playing his role in the as-yet unfilmed sequences within the good Doctor Parnassus' magic mirror. Then I saw a trailer for the film. It looked good. It looked real. And it was coming soon! Yippee!

The film played the festival circuits. Mixed reviews trickled in. People called it a confusing mess. That didn't bother me. "Confusing Mess" is a term many people use to describe any given Terry Gilliam film.

Finally, the movie opened in my hometown, and I sat down to see it in a darkened theatre.

With an old git who wouldn't stop touching my coat.

Bottom line: I loved the movie. I didn't see what was so confusing about the story. I had no trouble following it.

Parnassus made a bet with the Devil. He won the bet, and became immortal. The catch: if he ever has a child, that child of Parnassus becomes the Devil's property when he or she turns sweet 16. Parnassus obviously doesn't want his daughter Valentina to become the Devil's jailbait slave, so he makes another bet with the Horned One to save her soul.

That's basically the plot.

Heath Ledger's mysterious Tony is introduced hanging from a bridge, seemingly dead. That reveal actually made several people in the audience gasp. They were shocked to see the late Heath Ledger dangling from a rope under a bridge. "Poor taste", someone muttered.

Grow the fuck up. It's a movie.

Besides, it's not like Heath Ledger was found dead in his New York apartment, hanging from a ceiling fixture. Now if the Doctor's entourage found poor Tony in a swank apartment, cuddling with an Olsen twin, stuffed to the gills with prescription medication, that would have been in poor taste.

Anyway, Tony has a secret: He ran a charity for kids called "Suffer The Little Children" that apparently dealt in black market child organ harvesting. He also stole money from Russian mobsters, who dangled the prick by his child-hating neck over the bridge.

The Doctor's entourage helps Tony, and he stays with the group. He revamps the Doctor's show, bringing in some actual money, while he lusts after the underage Valentina and hides from the Russian mafiosos who want to finish the job.

I don't want to synopsize the whole damn movie. Besides, I just spoiled a pretty big plot point. I think that's enough about the story.

The cast was aces.

Tom Fucking Waits as "Mr. Nick" was fantastic. His relationship with Christopher Plummer's Doctor Panassus was the best part of the film. Mr. Nick sees Doctor Parnassus as the closest thing he has to a friend, and it's clear that despite him being the fucking Devil, Parnassus kinda likes the evil bastard, as well. They both love a good wager.

Lily Cole does a fine job as the immortal Doctor's young daughter. She has a very exotic face, with big expressive eyes.

Andrew Garfield's lovestruck "Anton" is really the anchor of the film.

Between the aloof, constantly drunk Parnassus and the self-serving douchebag Tony, Anton is the character who's really only trying to do the right thing. He has no motive, aside from wanting to protect Valentina from Tony's advances. He knows there's something wrong with the fella, and doesn't trust him from the start.

Verne Troyer's wise and angry forever-dwarf "Percy" was a highlight for me.

Depp, Law, and Farrell all did an admirable job playing Tony in the dreamworld beyond the magic mirror.

Heath Ledger played a fine scumbag.

The film's ending actually made me mist up a little.

I'm glad Gilliam managed to finish this film. "The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus" was worth it.

Of course now, Terry Gilliam is once again trying to make "The Man Who Killed Don Quixote".

I wish him luck.