Schlock-Mas: Day Five

FINDING SANTA

Grace is thrilled to be taking over the town's Christmas parade, but when the man playing St. Nick breaks his arm, she needs to find a replacement, even if the replacement is unwilling.

Jodie Sweetin's getting in on that sweet Hallmark Channel gravy train with Finding Santa, which premiered just over a week ago to much acclaim. I'm just making up the "acclaim" stuff, because I honestly have no idea if anybody actually likes this movie or not. I'm completely out of the loop regarding any greater audience for these movies. None of them are ever reviewed by any major entertainment websites, and I never hear jack shit from Hallmark Channel about specific ratings for any of their programs.

Obviously this stuff has a loyal viewership, otherwise they wouldn't not only keep making them, but keep expanding their production slate with each passing year. Hallmark Channel has produced 21 new original movies for this year's over-stuffed Countdown To Christmas, which is just a staggering number. 21 movie premieres all crammed into an already crowded two-month period. I don't see how they could produce more movies for next year's holiday season, but they'll find a way. And what really gets my goat is how little innovation there truly is with these movies. You'd think that if 21 new movies were being produced for the Christmas season that at least a few would sneak through with a couple solid tweaks to the formula, but they all follow a pretty straight-forward template.

Did you know that, for example, one of Hallmark Channel's rules for these movies is that the romantic leads can't kiss until the third act? That's an actual rule the network has instated for these movies by which the writers and directors must abide. Even if the characters really like one another, they can't give in to temptation and actually kiss until the climax of the movie. And the kiss has to be chaste and closed mouth only. If you ever watch one of these flicks, really pay attention next time you watch your protagonists kiss at the end of the story.

Pay attention to their mouths, if the actors don't kiss with their backs to the camera, that is. Their mouths are positively pinched shut, as though they were two nervous middle school students starring in a class production of Romeo & Juliet. It's a little off-putting when you finally notice it, because you'll never be able to not see it again after that realization. Passion only extends so far in the Hallmark universe, after all, and any exchange of bodily fluids is expressly forbidden.

Look, all I'm saying is that it would be nice for the network to loosen the reins a little and let a few filmmakers have a bit more fun with the movies they make. Play around with the tropes, buck some traditions, get more relaxed with the character stereotypes. Here's a fun fact: with the premiere of this year's Enchanted Christmas, starring husband/wife duo Alexa and Carlos PenaVega, Hallmark Channel has officially produced its first romantic comedy with non-white romantic leads. It's 2017, and this has only just happened. Next year, they'll premiere their first original series that features an African-American cast with Meat The Peetes, although it's a reality show and not a full-fledged scripted series, so the progress is still incremental, almost glacial, one might think. And what about a movie or series that features an openly homosexual or transgender character, even in a supporting capacity? That hasn't happened yet, and there are no signs that it's going to happen any time soon.

I suppose I'm trying to say that Hallmark Channel isn't terribly progressive in a lot of ways, but a few recent developments have illustrated that they're beginning to change for the better, albeit very slowly. I understand that their brand is doing just fine for the most part and they're hesitant to rock the boat by changing things too quickly, because they might cause a bunch of conservative white women in the Midwest to flip out and boycott their shit, but this change is sorely needed, and those conservative white women are gonna need to wake the fuck up and get on this train eventually, otherwise they'll be left behind when the revolution comes.

Anyway, Jodie Sweetin played Stephanie Tanner on Full House. She was annoying as all hell on that show (not unlike every other member of the cast), her catchphrase was "how rude", and the writers would work that tired phrase into just about every single episode of the series. By the by, Full House is coming to Hallmark Channel in the new year, which is terribly exciting, because I just can't wait to ignore the absolute fuck out of it when it starts airing in January, just like I avoid that abominable sequel series Fuller House on Netflix.

I tried watching the first episode of that nostalgia trap trash sometime last year, just to see if it would somehow be a better show than its progenitor, but I got maybe three minutes into it before I just tapped out, shut off my television and walked outside for some fresh air. It was the exact same show. The same fucking thing. The same production values, the same staging, the same laugh track, the same jokes, the exact same fucking show. I felt like I was watching a nightmare made manifest in the real world, like I had inadvertently conjured it up from the depths of my subconscious, like George Orr in Lathe Of Heaven.

Why would anyone want to faithfully recreate a product as tepid and unappealing as Full House in the 21st Century without the benefit of some ironic meta-comedic twist? It's all played completely straight, as if the original Full House had never ended in the first place. What hath nostalgia wrought? And I didn't just get bored and stop watching the show. I was physically repelled from my seat and out of my fucking house by how overwhelmingly unclean the experience of watching this filth left me.

The precise moment that broke me involved the cast, all in character, addressing Michelle Tanner's conspicuous absence. Everybody was gathered around that same old fucking breakfast table, making a series of inane jokes and looking so tired, when somebody asked why Michelle couldn't make it to whatever big event was going on at the time, and Bob Saget mentioned that Michelle's busy blowing up the fashion industry in New York City, which is apparently a cutting joke because the Olsen twins have become icons of a sort in the real-life fashion industry, and they live in New York City. Then every member of the cast just looks straight into the camera with forced expressions of exasperation on their weathered faces, and the laugh track kicks into high gear, and they just KEEP STARING INTO THE FUCKING CAMERA BECAUSE THEY THINK THEY'RE SO FUCKING FUNNY AND IT DOESN'T FUCKING STOP.

I leapt out of my seat, switched off my TV, and ran outside as though I were being chased by a fucking poltergeist. It was a truly horrifying experience, one that still haunts me to this day. Can one develop PTSD from watching a poorly-realized and ill-advised nostalgia trip?

I guess Jodie Sweetin had a long conversation with her pal Candace Cameron-Bure at some point on the set of Fuller House about Candace's lucrative side-gig starring in a pant-load of movies for the Hallmark brand and decided she wanted to have a taste of that of sweet Hallmark pie for herself, so she's testing the waters with Finding Santa. 

Finding Santa is a movie about a nice lady who loves Christmas so much she owns and operates a Christmas-themed store in her hometown of Green River, Connecticut that does good enough business that it can afford to stay open year-round, which is complete bullshit. Who's shopping at a Christmas store in March? Or August? Who wants to be reminded of fucking Christmas when they're sweating their balls off on a stagnant summer day? This is madness.

It's like that movie Moonlight & Mistletoe, where Tom Arnold owned the "Santaville" theme park that he kept open all year, but at least that movie was more realistic in that the park was on the verge of bankruptcy due to low attendance and lack of interest by the local population. Here in Finding Santa, not only is the shop owned by Grace Long (Sweetin) hugely popular in the community, the place has been a fixture on Main Street in Green River since it was founded by Grace's grandparents in the 1960s. And the store is also responsible for the community's annual Christmas Eve parade, which is such an important event for the town that the movie implies without both it and Grace's store, Green River would wither and die altogether. This single business is apparently all that stands between Green River and annihilation.

Why? How? The movie never answers these questions. I understand that in reality, there are numerous small towns scattered across the United States that depend upon tourism dollars drawn in by their local pageants or roadside attractions to survive, but the way the situation is presented in Finding Santa, it never feels genuine. Why is this hole in the wall of a Christmas shop such a vital cornerstone to the community of Green River? Why does it matter so much? I guess people just like it a lot, and would be sad if it went away.

And having seen the movie's climactic Christmas Eve parade, I just don't see how that would be enough of a draw to inject a sizable influx of sweet, sweet tourist spending into the community. It's a rinky-dink affair at best, with a few amateur hour parade floats, a fire truck, and a mediocre marching band. You're not going to draw crowds from miles around to gawk at such a tired and uninspiring spectacle, I'm sorry, I don't care how good your parade Santa Claus is.

And he's apparently the best, as the movie quickly informs the viewer with a framed newspaper clipping dubbing the guy "America's Santa" hanging in his rumpus room. His name's Tom, and he runs a nationally recognized "Santa School" out of his house that trains the finest Santa Claus impersonators in all the land, and their skills are always in high demand come December. Tom really loves his job playing Santa for the kids each year, especially that long ride down Main Street in his oversized sleigh on Christmas Eve, but he's unfortunately busted his ass up pretty good after slipping on some fake snow in front of Grace's shop, and finds himself unable to rise to the occasion this holiday season.

Tom implores Grace to track down his estranged son Ben (Eric Winter), whom he trained to be the absolute best Santa Claus cosplayer before the old man's obsession with the holiday drove Ben away to follow his own dreams after high school. If Grace can't find Ben and convince him to take up his father's mantle at the big parade, then the mayor's worthless burn-out son Clint will don the red suit and fake beard, and he's just a complete disaster of a human being, and nobody wants to see this loser shoot up and nod out in front of a bunch of confused young children.

So Grace journeys to far-off Boston, Massachusetts to track down the wayward Santa-in-waiting and get him to come back to Green River and save the entire town from ruin, since a national network has agreed to cover this year's parade for their highly-rated morning show, and if a TV audience of millions sees that senseless lout Clint listlessly masturbating in his over-sized sleigh, watching a football game on his smartphone while crawling down Main Street at 2 miles per hour, the community will truly be finished.

But Ben doesn't want to come back to Green River, because he don't give no fucks about Christmas, and he just wants to be left alone to write his great American novel, which he claims to be something along the lines of The Outsiders with zombies. He hasn't actually written a page of his magnum opus yet, because he has a terrible case of writer's block, and actually makes most of his money as an Uber driver, which is the most believable aspect of this film's entire plot, come to think of it.

Grace does finally convince Ben to return to Green River, if only to visit his ailing father, hoping that somewhere along the way she'll be able to convince him to take his rightful place at the head of the all-important Christmas Eve parade. Ben's not really feeling those Christmas lighters at first, but after the roads get snowed-in on their way to Green River and he finds himself unable to escape back to Boston, he and Grace decide to spend the night at the rural home of her friend, whose name I don't recall, and her delightful family, including a husband who might have had a name but I've forgotten it, and her two kids, who are called Billy and Jilly or maybe Jimmy and Bimmy.

After decorating a Christmas Tree and drinking some boring non-alcoholic egg nog (because what's the fucking point of non-alcoholic egg nog? Ain't nobody got time for that shit), Ben finds his services as a renegade Santa Claus are sorely needed as the kids are unable to make it into town due to the closed roads to tell their local shopping mall St. Nick what they want for Christmas. Never mind the fact that by this point in the movie it's already December 23rd. Why do these parents wait until the last minute to do everything? They don't even bother to decorate their house until two days before Christmas. And their copy of "'Twas The Night Before Christmas" is missing the final page, prompting Ben to recite the conclusion of the poem from memory in order to not disappoint little Bimmy and Jimmy. What kind of feckless losers are these parents?

Luckily, Ben has his dad's spare suit in his car, and he sneaks out to surprise the family in full Santa regalia, charming the children with his spot-on impersonation of a fictional character and maybe igniting a little fire in Grace's heart, as well. But only her heart, because this is a Hallmark Channel movie, lest we forget.

But even after all this contrived bullshit, Ben's still not ready to commit to the parade, because he doesn't know if he feels comfortable following in his father's footsteps after spending so much time trying to get out from under the old man's Santa-shaped shadow.

Ben set out to be his own man years ago, and he sees the possibility of crawling back to Green River and slipping on the big red suit as a failure of sorts, a way of admitting defeat to his father, and to himself. He lashes out at Grace, asking her if she's living her own life or the life chosen for her by her parents, who died when Grace was just out of high school, forcing her to take on the responsibility of running the Christmas shop and organizing the parade at such a tender young age, foregoing her original plan of attending art school and cultivating her nascent oil painting skills. Sure, Grace still finds time to paint every now and then, displaying her work at the shop, but is that enough? Does she really love Christmas as much as she claims to? Or is she lying to herself in order to protect her family's legacy? Something to think about.

Then Ben and Grace attend a local ugly Christmas sweater party and Ben has so much fun connecting with Grace and the other members of the community that he finds his outlook on Christmas and even his father's work beginning to change, even having a big tearful reconciliation with the old man later that night when Tom tells his son that he was always proud of him, even though he decided not to follow in his festive footsteps. In this moment, Tom and Ben completely bury all of the resentment and bitterness that has been keeping them apart for all these years, and they both get teary-eyed and hug it out. Then Ben's mom shows up and they all get teary-eyed and hug it out, and I may have gotten a little teary-eyed myself, because I'm a sucker for this kind of sentiment and I'm not ashamed to admit that.

Ben finally claims the mantle of Santa Claus just in time for the Christmas Eve parade, kicking Clint's inconsequential ass out of the fabled oversized sleigh and rocking out with his cock out as he cruises down Main Street, bringing joy to all the children of Green River and single-handedly saving the town from complete and utter ruination in the process. After finally declaring his love for Grace, he gets the bright idea to take the events of the last few days and adapt them into a children's book, finally finding the right hook to break his writer's block. But he needs a talented illustrator, and who better than Grace to be his collaborator and make their story come to life in print for children all over the world to enjoy?

A year later, Grace has stepped away from the day-to-day management of the Christmas shop, leaving the hands-on work to her capable assistant manager and truly Christmas-obsessed best friend Caroline, who's been in the movie the entire time, but her character is such an afterthought that she never really leaves an impression so she may as well not even exist.

This is Caroline. Everybody say "hello" to Caroline.

Grace has spent most of the last year painting the lavish illustrations to her boyfriend Ben's delightful children's book, entitled "Finding Santa", an act that has restored her creative juices (but only her creative juices) and even provided her with a new-found appreciation for Christmas that she managed to lose somewhere through the years.

At a local book release and signing party, Ben asks Grace to marry him, and of course she says yes. It's enough to melt your heart. Everybody cheers for the newly engaged couple, and then they just up and leave in the middle of the book signing, walking away and leaving behind a bunch of confused folks still waiting in line at the store to get their freshly purchased copies of "Finding Santa" autographed. What a pair of assholes.

That's Finding Santa, and it's fine. It's got its ups and downs, but a few more ups than downs, which is always a good thing. Jodie Sweetin and Eric Winter have good chemistry, and I liked Jay Brazeau, the actor who played Ben's father Tom. He's the kind of character actor who pops up in smaller roles in more movies and TV series that you can count, always plugging away and putting in solid work no matter where the gig takes him. Reliability is a very valued commodity in this industry, and few are more reliable than Jay Brazeau.

The plot is the same damned thing I've seen ten thousand other times in ten thousand other Hallmark Channel movies, but that's okay, I guess. Nobody's breaking new ground here, but everything's perfectly serviceable. Charming without ever truly insulting my intelligence, Finding Christmas is recommended. Not enthusiastically so, however. There's nothing in this movie that's going to set your brain on fire. It's just a well-manufactured product that does its job well then fucks off.

Speaking of fucking off...

Small Town Salvation - Ben finds returning to Green River and reconnecting with his family and the community at large to be just what he needs to rekindle his love of Christmas, and he even falls in love with local messiah Grace, so good for him.

Scrooged - Ben wants nothing to do with Christmas or the family business, and he fights Grace's efforts to convince him to play Santa Claus at the parade throughout the first two thirds of the movie, so this qualifies.

Assistant Chef Jen - Clint is such a one-dimensional loser, he can't even pretend to act like he knows who or what Santa Claus even is. He wants to play Santa in the parade because I guess he felt like getting out of the house, but when Tom attempts to coach this numbskull on proper Santa etiquette, this bastard doesn't even understand how to laugh properly. Everybody knows "ho, ho, ho", but he can't even do that right. Clint's startling ineptitude nearly gives poor Tom a fucking stroke in this scene. It's that bad.

Clint sucks so completely, that even his mother, the mayor of Green River, doesn't stand behind his worthless rear in the end. She tells him to get the fuck out of the sleigh in favor of Ben because she knows her awful son will only serve to embarrass herself, and by extension the entire town, if he remains in the parade. So she cuts bait and lets her spawn get dragged away kicking and screaming by the cops at the end of the movie in order for Ben to become the Santa Claus he was always meant to be.

He's such a completely shitty character that he doesn't fit in with the rest of the cast at all. He's so ridiculously incompetent and over-the-top stupid that he doesn't belong in the movie. I don't know why screenwriter Julie Sherman Wolfe included him in the first place, or why the producers allowed him to remain in the final draft. Clint is such a misfire of a limp dick villain that he almost single-handedly drags the entire movie down with him.

So fuck Clint.

VERDICT: NICE?

Nice.