Schlock-Mas: Day Four

A BOYFRIEND FOR CHRISTMAS

On Christmas Day, Santa brings two lonely people together. But can love overcome deception?

Twenty years ago, a young lady named Holly visited a very convincing mall Santa Claus (Charles Durning) on Christmas Eve. Holly told Santa that she wanted a boyfriend for Christmas. Santa wondered if perhaps Holly wasn't yet old enough to know what having a boyfriend really entailed, but he promised her that when the time was right, he would pick the perfect candidate to enrich her life in all the right ways, going so far as to give her the gift of an adorable snowglobe with an engraving on the bottom pledging to fulfill this task within twenty years, which seems like an entirely arbitrary time-frame, but whatever.

Of course, Holly doesn't believe the old man in the red velvet costume at the mall is really Santa Claus, and in time she even forgets all about the snowglobe's promise, especially after her last boyfriend, some stuck up prick named Ted, treated her like dirt and broke her heart. So now, nineteen whole years later, Holly (Kelli Williams) has abandoned all attempts at finding true love, instead throwing herself into her non-profit work, helping reunite foster children with their biological parents and other heartwarming stuff like that, which is a lovely cause to which one can dedicate one's life.

On Christmas Eve, Holly is attempting to reunite struggling mother Sheila with her two kids when the pro bono lawyer stands them up at the courthouse, preventing the tearful reconciliation that Sheila has long sought and driving kindly Holly up a wall with righteous fury. The lawyer, a fellow named Ryan Hughes (Patrick Muldoon), really wanted to be there on time, but he was caught in an important meeting with the senior members of his law firm, attempting to negotiate a compromise with one of the firm's big money clients.

This client just so happens to own the low-cost housing development in which Sheila lives, and his first plan for the site was just to demolish the place entirely and replace it with a simple office park, but Ryan convinces the client to rebuild the housing development with numerous improvements including an adjacent park for families to gather, improving the quality of life for the old tenants, who would all be guaranteed a unit in the new development. That seems like a cause worth fighting for, but Ryan is still gutted when he realizes he's missed his court date and kept Sheila from spending the holidays with her beloved children.

So Ryan immediately pays the judge a visit after the courthouse closes early for Christmas, badgering the man until he agrees to grant Sheila custody, after all. Of course Holly doesn't know this, and she just assumes that this Ryan Hughes guy whom she's never even met is just another hot shot sack of shit like that Ted asshole, and Ryan overhears Holly dictating a scathing letter of rebuke to him over the phone while he's volunteering at a Christmas Tree lot at the behest of that same old Santa Claus young Holly spoke with all those years ago, miraculously unchanged by the ravages of time.

Because he's Santa Claus. You know he's Santa Claus. He's identified as Santa Claus in even the film's shortest description, which is at the top of this review, so this isn't exactly a shocking surprise. This Santa Claus seems to spend most of his time volunteering at local shelters for the homeless, telling stories to the children and organizing fundraisers for numerous charities, so you know he's got a good heart, and that's really important in a Santa Claus. You don't want your Santa Claus to be a greedy, insufferable asshole, after all. That would be the worst.

But why haven't we actually had that story, yet? And Bad Santa clearly doesn't count, because Willie's just a belligerent drunk mortal. It would be interesting to see a film depicting a Santa Claus who isn't necessarily the photogenic, jolly old elf we see plastered all over the landscape every December. I know there have been stories that involve versions of Father Christmas that are miles removed from our modern interpretation, stories that subvert the tropes like the excellent Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale, but that version of Santa Claus is basically the Krampus in all but name. No, I just would like to see a movie that features a version of Santa Claus that's more human, more fallible, maybe a little more selfish.

A little more Muldoon.

I figure a guy who travels all around the world in one night, delivering toys to all the good girls and boys must get really lonely. I personally subscribe to the Santa Claus: The Movie theory of Kris Kringle's magical Christmas Eve voyage: the passage of night is an endless night for Santa Claus until his mission is complete. That means he's probably actually out there doing his appointed rounds for months at a time, trapped in a cold and sunless world until he delivers that last electric train set to little Billy in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, or wherever the fuck.

Does he stop to sleep? To eat? Are the people he comes across all frozen in time until he passes through, or can he interact with them? Maybe he stops every now and then and picks up an escort, checking into a seedy motel after midnight in some nameless town in Missouri or Wyoming, just blowing off a little steam before he hops back in the saddle to continue his endless voyage across the world to bring joy to all the good gentile children. There's definitely a story there. But I guess that's not exactly appropriate material for Hallmark Channel, is it?

No, our Santa Claus has to be a chubby old guy with a big white beard who's always nice and never patronizes prostitutes or curses the day he was born because the fates will never allow him to just mercifully die. I guess that's fine if you have no imagination. But whatever. Charles Durning's a fine Santa Claus, I suppose. He played Santa Claus a total of four times in his illustrious career, including 1989's It Nearly Wasn't Christmas, a movie I saw once late one December night while I was delirious with a fever.

I couldn't have been older than eight years old when I saw this movie, and I thought I was hallucinating the whole thing. I kept wondering why Isaac from The Love Boat was following a disillusioned Santa Claus on his road trip across this great land with a precocious little girl to try and find the Christmas spirit in Anytown, U.S.A. And why was he talking to a dead bird he had taped to his shoulder, and why did he talk back to himself in a stereotypical "parrot" voice? His name was Napoleon, I think. He was a thief, and I'm pretty sure he wanted to steal some magical macguffin from Santa Claus, but I can't remember what it could be. Was it a sack of enchanted crystals? An antique music box filled with the souls of naughty children? Perhaps Santa's lucky rabbit's foot? I have no earthly idea.

Was there a hot air balloon race in this movie? I think Bruce Vilanch played a bumbling elf named Shortstop or Pol Pot or something. Was it Bruce Vilanch? There's no way in hell it was Harvey Fierstein. He was always too good for movies such as these. But Bruce Vilanch? That's plausible. I feel like I should look it up on IMDB, but I won't. I will never look up this movie because that will make it too real, and I can never allow it to feel like an actual motion picture that other people have seen.

I do know that the little girl was also looking for her dad, who apparently abandoned his family at some point to follow his dreams of becoming a big-time concert pianist, but he wound up getting hired by a shitty shopping mall in Utah to play Christmas music for all of the grumpy Mormon patrons while they browse for oatmeal and sensible shoes. At the climax of the movie, Napoleon confronts Santa Claus and shoves the old fuck, causing him to tumble down and lightly bump his head on the filthy mall floor. A bunch of fairy dust leaks out of his ears and he turns grey like Optimus Prime after he kicked the bucket in Transformers: The Movie.

Then the little girl pulls a Peter Pan and tells all of the gathered Mormons to believe in Santa and he'll miraculously rise from the dead, not unlike our good friend Lazarus. Even a contrite Napoleon joins in and soon the combined belief of something like twenty mildly disinterested film extras restores Santa Claus to his former glory, and the little girl's daddy, who I think was one of the Osmonds, just makes up some dumbshit song right on the spot that just happens to share its name with the title of the fucking movie. Maybe Napoleon gets hit by a crosstown bus after that, I don't remember.

I don't actually know if anything I just typed honestly happened in that movie, because I haven't seen it since that bizarre evening so many years ago. Even if I ever get the chance to revisit It Nearly Wasn't Christmas, I don't think I will, because the real thing won't hold a candle to the movie that I partially hallucinated as a feverish child. I should probably get back to talking about whatever the movie I'm supposed to be reviewing is called. A Princess For Christmas? No, that was two days ago. A Boyfriend For Christmas? Yeah. That sounds right.

So Santa's real, and he's got promises to keep, and miles to go before he sleeps. He knows his time to make good on that lofty promise to Holly is quickly running out, but luckily he thinks he's finally found the right guy for her in the form of Ryan. Unfortunately for Ryan, Holly sorta hates his guts. But Santa convinces Ryan to pay Holly a visit on Christmas morning, giving him her address and a note from Santa telling Holly that Ryan's her new boyfriend. That's not a very good plan, but he's Santa, so let's just give him the benefit of the doubt.

So Ryan shows up on Holly's doorstep on Christmas morning with a fresh cut Douglas Fir tree and a note from St. Nick, claiming to be the fulfillment of the horrible bargain she struck with the ancient toymaker when she was a child. Holly is rightly confused at first, until she remembers that one of her friends had promised to drop off a special "gift" in the morning, and she just naturally assumes that this handsome young dude is said "gift". So she thinks Ryan's a gigolo. And she's perfectly okay with this.

Ryan, of course, doesn't use his real name when he introduces himself, because he knows how much Holly dislikes the name Ryan Hughes after the previous afternoon's courtroom misadventure, and he assumes that after the day is done he'll probably never see her again, so he clumsily introduces himself as Douglas Firwood. Doug, for short. Ryan's not the sharpest tool in the shed, but at least he tries. Here's where I call foul. Sure, Ryan knows Holly isn't too happy with him because he missed the court date, but she doesn't know that he's already made up for that mistake by reuniting Sheila with her kids. And he was late for the court date because he was trying to prevent a greedy land lord from simply evicting her from her home in the dead of winter, which is a pretty good excuse for being late.

I'm sure if he took two minutes and actually explained all of this to her, Holly would forgive Ryan and they would be able to start their relationship off on the right foot, but instead he spins a web of lies! To be fair, it's not exactly a web of lies. Really just the one lie, because he's honest about literally everything else whenever he talks to her, and I guess that's not so bad. The only reason Ryan isn't immediately honest with Holly about his real name is because if he was, their entire relationship in the movie would be completely smooth sailing, and the plot demands its third act sacrifice. I know how this shit works.

Holly decides to keep "Doug" around, bringing him along with her while she visits her family for an early Christmas dinner. She figures if she introduces Ryan as her new boyfriend, then her doting mother and meddling sister-in-law Carol will get off her back about trying to set her up with anybody, especially that dick bag Ted, who just happens to be back in town and in charge of the newspaper Holly's brother Ian works for, and Carol thinks that if she manages to play matchmaker and get Ted back in Holly's good graces, then surely her milquetoast husband Ian will reap the benefits at work, because nepotism is a very real thing.

Fortunately, Ryan is a big hit at family dinner, making quick friends with everybody (except Carol), helping Holly's mother in the kitchen for a while before spending a little quality time with family patriarch Martin (played by Martin fucking Mull, who is a goddamned legend and I won't hear any different) while watching a little football and drinking a few beers. He even manages to charm Ian and Carol's twin boys, Neal and Noah, by fixing their electric race car track, which was beyond poor Ian's limited technical skills. For some reason, Holly tells her family that Ryan's a firefighter, which is just weird. He attempts to cover by explaining that while being a lawyer is his day job, he's a volunteer firefighter on the weekends, and everybody just buys this story. Why did she tell everybody that he was a firefighter? Did she think that would impress them? What an odd little wrinkle.

After dinner, Ryan takes Holly home and even sticks around, helping her decorate her house, sharing hot cocoa in front of the cozy fireplace, and just talking for hours, long into the night, before they fall asleep together on the sofa. In the morning, Ryan sneaks out to fetch some breakfast for them both, but while he's out, Ted decides to rear his ugly head once more, barging in and telling Holly that since he's back in town he's chosen to take her back and make all her wildest dreams come true by becoming Mrs. Ted.

Holly wants nothing to do with this oily bastard and tells him as much several times, but Ted's that special breed of fucker who thinks "no" means "yes", and simply can't fathom the fact that Holly is no longer interested in his singular majesty, so he keeps pushing, invading her space and kissing her on the cheek, telling her he's changed for the better because he no longer strangles puppies to unwind after a long day at work yelling at anybody who walks past his office. Ryan walks in on this spectacle and just assumes that he's no longer wanted, so he fucks off before Holly can explain the situation.

The next day, Holly runs into Ryan while he's hanging with Santa at the homeless shelter, and she tells him that she still wants to see him and that Ted is yesterday's news. This really comes as a relief to Santa, who was starting to think that his carefully thought-out plan to just force these two perfect strangers to quickly fall in love was about to blow up in his eternally wizened face. Holly drags Ryan back to her parents' house for a little more family time, but things get awkward when Carol invites Ted over because she doesn't know when to quit, and the two alpha males begin a pissing contest that culminates in them beating the tar out of each other after a friendly touch football match goes horribly wrong.

Holly openly chastises both men, but after Ted leaves in a huff, vowing to use his skills as a one-time investigative reporter to dig up some dirt on "Doug Firwood" to use as ammunition in his own private war, Holly privately awards Ryan with a handmade MVP trophy because she was so proud of the way Ryan rubbed Ted's smug face in her mother's azaleas. So things are going quite well for the new couple, but Ryan fears his deception will ultimately cost him his shot at love with the girl of his dreams.

Meanwhile, Ryan's partners at the law firm have convinced their client to abandon the plan to rebuild the apartment complex in favor of the original plan to just turn the place into a damned office park behind Ryan's back, and when he finds out about this outrage he immediately resigns, because he's a good person, dammit! The other lawyers all laugh evilly at their own boundless avarice as they realize they're all getting lumps of solid gold in their stockings this year as Ryan cleans out his desk and hits the bricks. This subplot is never resolved, so it's assumed that these greedy corporate assholes ultimately go through with their plan to evict all of these poor people to construct more offices for other greedy corporate assholes.S happy holidays to Sheila, who is never seen again, anyway.

On New Year's Eve, Holly's parents throw a huge party for their family and friends, and goddamn if Holly's mother doesn't cut an amazing figure in a striking black and white dress. I can't get over this frock. It's fantastic and she looks fantastic in it. Honestly, I don't know if something's wrong with my brain, but I can't get over this.

This dress fucks.

Holly's mother just shows up at her party looking like a million bucks, her dress completely outclassing every other lady's ensemble at the event, which is probably by design, now that I think about it. New Year's Eve is this woman's one night to shine every year, when she gets to pull out all the stops and entertain all of her friends and neighbors with a lavish catered affair, and she'll be damned if she's not gonna make herself the belle of the ball. Good for her. She deserves it.

Ryan shows up and prepares to come clean to Holly, but of course Ted bursts in to drop the "Doug Firwood" bombshell on the object of his obsession, because he used his prodigious skills as a reporter to follow Ryan to work and ask his colleagues about the guy. He tells Holly that "Doug"'s real name is Ryan Hughes, and that makes up a story about him being the asshole who worked to evict a bunch of poor people from their low-cost housing and then got fired from his law firm because the other lawyers were all so appalled at his heartless actions that they just couldn't bear to continue employing this sociopathic prick. Seriously, he just completely re-frames the truth to make Ryan sound like the true villain of the story and the senior members of the law firm as victims of this imagined baby punching psycho, and he seems to think that he'll just get away with it, because he's Ted, and Ted always gets away with it, whatever it is.

Ryan tries to explain himself, but Holly tells him it would be best to leave, so he takes off. Ted immediately asks Holly to marry him, and Holly tells Ted to sit and spin, because it doesn't matter if Ryan's out of the picture, because Ted's the fucking worst, and Ted deserves to die alone. Carol apologizes to Holly for being so heinous and they bury the hatchet, then Santa shows up, double-fisting canapés and chugging champagne, telling Holly that since it's New Year's Eve, her time to reunite with Ryan and find her happy ending is almost up. Does Holly have the courage to open her heart and allow herself to love Ryan after all? And if so, can she find him in time to profess her undying devotion to the once and future Douglas Firwood, before the clock strikes midnight and her twenty year bargain with St. Nicholas ends?

The answer is yes. Of course the answer is yes, because this is a Hallmark Channel movie. A Boyfriend For Christmas is good shit. It's not reinventing the damned wheel, but it's a decent story well told, with a handful of very talented performers elevating the material just a little bit. Patrick Muldoon and Kelli Williams have excellent chemistry and I found myself genuinely invested in their burgeoning relationship. Martin Mull was aces in his role as a goofy but caring father, and Charles Durning was practically born to play Santa Claus. So if you get a chance, give A Boyfriend For Christmas a shot.

And if you have seen It Nearly Wasn't Christmas, don't tell me anything about it. Just let me have my twisted little memories. And now let's tally up the tropes!

Secret Santa - The movie never attempted to pretend that Charles Durning wasn't playing the actual Santa Claus. So this one's a no-brainer.

Little White Lies - Ryan's "Doug Firwood" deception is the very definition of this trope.

Assistant Chef Jen - Between the sneering bastard Ted and the cackling monsters working at Ryan's law firm, this movie's just lousy with Assistant Chefs Jen.

VERDICT: NICE