MATCHMAKER SANTA
A mysterious mall Santa arranges for a woman to be stranded with her boyfriend's assistant.
Melanie (Lacey Chabert) owns her own quaint little bakery in the heart of San Francisco, and she's dating a thoughtless corporate douche named Jefferson or Jordan or whatever. This guy doesn't have any time for his girlfriend because he's too busy kissing his boss's ass around the office all day, and he keeps sending his personal assistant Dean out to basically act as a stand-in boyfriend for Melanie, meeting her for dinner dates and picking out her birthday gifts, stuff like that. Josephus seems to think this is all perfectly normal behavior and expects Melanie to be just peachy keen with hanging out with her boyfriend's secretary rather than her actual boyfriend, and surprisingly enough, she kinda sorta is okay with it.
Melanie and Dean just get along well, almost like they should be dating instead. Funny, that. But Dean's not the kind of guy who will try to come between a man and his lady, no matter how mismatched they may be, so he keeps his mouth shut and lets Melanie keep wasting her time in her holding pattern with Japeth. But it's Christmastime, and Santa Claus doesn't have time for this "will they or won't they" crap, so he decides to take matters into his own hands, bending time and space to trap Melanie and Dean in a charming little town called Buford Falls for the holidays, essentially forcing them to spend all their time together in this isolated burg until they just give up and admit they have feelings for each other.
Melanie was originally due to spend her Christmas break with Jared at his family's cabin up in the mountains, where she would meet his manic mother and act as his arm candy for an informal corporate shindig he was throwing in an effort to continue to brown-nose his employer, Mr. Tisdale, but after being picked up from the airport by Dean (Jessup was too busy to pick up his own girlfriend), they pick up kindly hitchhiker Santa and their rental car breaks down in Buford Falls. The town mechanic/mayor (Jon Ratzenberger) tells them that he doesn't have the correct parts to fix their car, and it'll take a few days for them to arrive, so Santa offers to check them into the local hotel and pay for their dinner.
Then he teleports into the woods near Julian's cabin to stalk Mr. Tisdale, who's out for an afternoon walk. Santa appears to Tisdale as a flustered traveler who's just lost his glasses somewhere along the trail, and he leads Tisdale into a patch of poison ivy for his trouble. Tisdale, now overwhelmed by an allergic reaction to the poison ivy, is bedridden and unable to keep his arranged meeting with Jesse, but he sends his daughter Blair along in his stead. Blair and Jeremiah used to date in college, and they haven't seen each other since she moved back east to oversee some of her father's business interests.
It's clear from the moment she walks into his cabin from the way Jody's face lights up when he lays eyes on her that he's still in love. And she's obviously still into him, as well. They get along so well that when Jimmy's mother arrives, she just automatically assumes that he dumped the baker lady and got back together with his college sweetheart Blair, and he doesn't really correct her, at least not immediately. But Justin still wants to get Melanie back to his cabin, so he asks to borrow Blair's car to retrieve her. When he exits the cabin, he's confronted with a very large bear that Santa conjured just outside, so Jellyman runs back inside, now trapped and very confused as to why a bear, which should be hibernating by December, is loitering next to his ex-girlfriend's car.
Meanwhile, Santa uses his terrifying magical powers to force a logging truck to jackknife on the highway, causing a road closure and further delaying the arrival of that crucial part the mechanic in Buford Falls needs to fix Dean's car, but that's cool because it just means he and Melanie can stay to attend the town's tree-lighting ceremony, which is a total blast.
It's just ridiculous how many variables Santa Claus has to manipulate in order to finally get these two clueless dopes to get together. He even convinces them to act as his helper elves when he sets up shop in the town square, coincidentally having matching costumes for the pair that fit perfectly. As a thank-you for all their hard work, Santa gives his two favorite idiots gifts. He gives Dean a gift of a block of wood and some woodworking tools, because he knows that Dean learned the craft of woodworking from his beloved grandfather and knows Dean will put the materials to good use, crafting a delightful gift for Melanie. He gives Melanie a gift of vanilla extract, which she puts to good use assisting her new friends at the hotel as they work to bake enough cookies to sell for their charity drive at the tree lighting ceremony.
Melanie claims that vanilla extract was always the secret ingredient in the cookies she made with her mother when she was a child, and those wonderful baking memories inspired her to open her own bakery as an adult, which is lovely, but vanilla extract is hardly a secret ingredient in cookies. This woman acts like her precious vanilla extract is the Colonel's eleven herbs and spices, when it's one of the most common ingredients used in all of baking. Since when is fucking vanilla extract such a big deal? Luckily, that "secret ingredient" really saved the day, because all her delicious cookies sold out in record time, raising enough money for the less-fortunate kids of Buford Falls to all have a very merry Christmas.
At the tree lighting ceremony, Santa finally just has enough of all this pussyfooting around because it's nearly Christmas Eve and he needs to get back to the North Pole to visit Mrs. Claus and get a poke in before he heads out on his annual trip around the world, so he just flat-out tells Melanie that Dean wants to eat her Christmas cookies, and she should let him eat her Christmas cookies, because she baked her Christmas cookies just for Dean, and this little courtship dance is just getting a little tired. So Melanie turns around and starts necking with Dean, and Santa gets the fuck out of this miserable little story while the getting's good.
The next morning, Jiff and his lady Blair finally show up in town, and they let Melanie and Dean know that they've decided to get back together to enjoy a lifetime of bliss putting business before love, and there are no hard feelings because Melanie and Dean are just thrilled to finally stop pretending that they don't want to bump uglies like two overeager teenagers in the back of a weathered AMC Pacer. So everybody's happy, and Santa's work here is done, because he wasn't just playing matchmaker for Melanie and Dean, but for Junior Mints and Blair, as well.
I don't know. I guess Matchmaker Santa was okay. I don't really feel one way or the other about this movie. I'm almost shockingly apathetic about the whole endeavor. It was a movie that happened in front of me for a while, then it ended, leaving me just as emotionally empty when it ended as I was when it started. The supporting cast was good, including Jon Ratzenberger as the goofy mechanic who moonlights as the town mayor, the late Florence Henderson as the enthusiastic owner of the hotel, and delightful Lin Shaye as Florence's flighty gal pal who helps her bake cookies for the charity drive.
The moment Lin Shaye walks into the hotel for the first time, she fixes her gaze on Dean and just fucks this guy with her eyes. He picks up on this right away and looks very uncomfortable with the entire situation, until she's finally dragged off to the kitchen by her hotelier friend. Lin Shaye's only in three short scenes, but she's easily the best aspect of the entire movie, because every time she pops up, she just stares at Dean with smoldering lust in her eyes, causing him to stammer and make awkward excuses to disappear for a while until this cougar goes away.
Everything else in this movie was met with a resounding shrug from me. I simply didn't connect with the story on an emotional level. It never insulted me in any way; it just never came to life. It was nice to see that the third act presented no forced complications to keep Melanie and Dean from being together, which is always appreciated. The two just fell in love, and when Jason and Blair showed up, they were already in love, as well. So nobody's feelings got hurt, and everybody got along, laughing and shaking hands in the town square. It was a pleasant surprise to see such a genial climax to one of these movies, because there's always some made-up excuse to inject more drama into the story, and Matchmaker Santa manages to avoid that pitfall.
It's just a shame that the story itself wasn't terribly engaging. It's not a bad movie, not by a long shot. It just is, and that's my issue. Simply existing isn't enough. You have to actually try a little, and Matchmaker Santa never really tries.
Secret Santa - He's not all that secret, but he's definitely Santa Claus. And he's also a manipulative weirdo who delights in meddling in the affairs of us lowly mortals, which makes him a little creepy. If Jellybeans had decided to try to make for Blair's car anyway, would that bear have mauled him? I hope so.
Small Town Salvation - Their forced layover in Buford Falls helped Melanie and Dean reconnect with the joys of Christmas, and with the joys of connecting, if you catch my drift.
Slumming it - Why is Lin Shaye in this movie? She's so much better than some cheap little production like Matchmaker Santa, which simply doesn't deserve her talents.
VERDICT: FESTIVUS
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