It's March! Spring time is here! Basically! People all over are creaming their jeans at the thought of beautiful flowers and green grass and pollen and insects and severe thunderstorms and all that good stuff. They can practically taste that sweet, sweet spring on the breeze, and it's driving them crazy. After the recent bitterly cold weather we've experienced over the past month, I have to admit even I am ready to put this whole "winter" thing in the rear-view. I'm not too keen on all the bullshit that tends to come with the warmer weather, but winter can just hit the bricks for a while as far as I'm concerned. Are you excited for spring, Dear Imaginary Reader? Leave a comment below and tell me what you like most about spring, and how you intend to celebrate the change of seasons!
I know you're not going to leave any comments below. Even the guy who used to comment "FUCK YOU" at the bottom of every post for the longest time has abandoned this blog, and I don't blame him. People still read this crap, believe it or not. Not a lot of people, but people, plural. But they don't care enough to comment. I'm not complaining about this, mind you. This isn't me bemoaning the state of my blog, in case you were worried. It's just an observation. For some odd reason, between 2011 and 2013, my blog reached its peak of popularity. That was the period when I was primarily writing mediocre, long-form reviews of current blockbuster movies. Then at some point I segued into writing mediocre, long-form reviews of made-for-television holiday movies, and my readership dwindled.
Of course, that's not the real reason why most regular readers stopped checking out the old Book Of Lies. In 2016, I basically stopped updating the blog for months at a time. There were no new reviews, no new podcasts, nothing at all to speak of for long stretches, and as a result, people stopped coming back, because the blog had nothing new to offer them. I had lost my passion for this whole endeavor a year earlier, and just kept pushing forward until the end of 2015 out of a sense of habit, but after that I essentially gave up, and that was that. I'd come back each December to complain about a whole bunch of Hallmark Channel movies, but that was pretty much all I had to offer. Some people did come back, and the reviews did attract a few new readers here and there, but people stopped commenting. They just read my posts and moved on.
Part of the problem since I started this blog is that I have no idea how to engage with readers. I don't really like people for the most part, and that tends to shine through in my writing. I'm just not a very likeable person in general, so the fact that anybody ever bothered to read something I've posted has always shocked me. I never had the ambition or skills to really transform this blog into anything bigger than what it's always been. There's no reason to monetize something that will never earn me any money, after all, and I've never been a talented enough writer to put something together that would attract the attention of any pop culture sites that would ever pay for my "services". This blog has always just been a place where I can share my thoughts and feelings with a theoretical readership, and I've never really wanted or encouraged that readership to communicate with me in any way.
I was always stymied when somebody commented on one of my posts, even if the comment was as simple and crude as the words "FUCK YOU" left by some anonymous individual. I guess they cared enough to tell me that they didn't care for my prose, again, and again, and again... My point is-- wait, did I even have a point? I guess maybe I want you to comment on my blog? No, that can't be it. I think it's the opposite. Don't comment on my blog, because I don't care. Right. But if I didn't care, then why did I bring it up in the first place? Do I miss comments on my blog? Do I miss the "FUCK YOU" guy? Maybe. I'm just worried about you, "FUCK YOU" guy. I hope you're okay out there, wherever you are. Perhaps he just moved on to bigger and better blogs. He might be posting "FUCK YOU" in the comments section of random A/V Club posts. If so, then good for him. They have to leave the nest eventually, but you're never really ready.
So do I want you to comment on my blog posts? No, not really. We've got a good thing going here, so why spoil it? I dislike you, you don't exist, and everybody's happy. I mean, I'm not happy, but you know what I mean. At least spring is right around the corner. But you know what else is around the corner, don't you? If you just screamed "Trappo's Chap House" at the top of your lungs in a crowded bingo parlor, then you're correct! And thanks for not taking this whole pandemic seriously, too! This latest episode is all about those creepy animatronic animal bands at children's pizza parlors. You know the ones. The ones that haunted the nightmares of a generation of children who grew up to transform them into the stuff of nightmares for a new generation of children through the likes of numerous urban legends, Creepypasta stories, and the very popular cross-media franchise known as Five Nights At Freddy's. Below, we talk about the genesis of this phenomenon with Showbiz Pizza and Chuck E Cheese, to Five Nights At Freddy's and its "homage" to those titans of children's nightmares everywhere, and the recent slate of movies that have been inspired by Freddy Fazbear and his gang of murderous, pizza-slinging pals. It's a regular bloodbath.
Chapter 36: Five Nights At Trappo's
That's all I've got for now. I'll probably be back next week with a new episode. Maybe by then I'll have something else to talk about. Maybe even something interesting. But I sorta doubt it.
STAY SPOOKY, MOTHERFUCKERS!
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