PANDA WATCH!!!

I had a most unusual dream the other night.

I wandered around a seemingly vacant parking lot, following several zig-zagging lights in the sky. These lights disappeared into a shopping mall which wasn't there five seconds ago, and I followed in hot pursuit.

The mall was full of morbidly obese people equipped with bulging fanny packs (typical, right?), making it rather difficult to traverse the already cramped halls. Eventually, I found a glowing elevator, and stepped inside.

When I emerged on the other side, I was confronted with a cadre of midget spacemen, all brandishing massive retro, "Flash Gordon"-style ray guns. I was immediately filled with dread.

It was at that precise moment that I discovered I too was holding one of these huge lasers, and that I was, in fact, one of the midget spacemen.

I woke up screaming, overcome with unease, until I looked in the mirror and realized I was still 6'4'', and not a midget spaceman.

Eh...

New Photoplay! (Again)

I think I have finally uploaded my masterpiece.

The Mighty YouTube has accepted my amazing video.

I recently found out that a remake of "Highlander" is in the works. I previously commented about this matter on this very blog.

That announcement has inspired me to create the delightful parody "Hatlander"! The story involves the final battle between the last survivors of a race of immortals obsessed with headgear. It is truly glorious.

I decided to upload the photoplay with songs from Queen's glorious "Highlander" soundtrack, although I'm not sure how long exactly the music will remain until the Standards and Practices folks remove it.

View it on my channel sidebar to the right, or visit my YouTube channel, also linked to the right. Rate it, leave your comments...

I understand this is pointless, because nobody reads my blog, but dammit, my therapist says this blogging stuff is good for me! So I'm gonna keep doing it.

So... "Hatlander"...

watch it.

I think it's funny.

New Photoplay!

I have decided to brave the turbulent waters of the mighty YouTube once more to bring you, faithful reader, a brand new photoplay!

"Night Ranger 2" is a sequel to my original, beloved "Night Ranger", and it continues the titular murderer's insane killing spree.

Will he be stopped? Can he be stopped?

Find out, by watching this disturbing new photoplay!

You can view it on the sidebar at the right, or go to my YouTube channel, linked (once again) to your right. Comment, subscribe... do what you have to do.

I remain the Uncle of Lies.

Candy Bars...

I'm a little depressed.

A remake of the greatest film in the history of cinema is coming.

That's right... "Highlander".

I feel like crying.

...Now I feel pretty good.

The Million "Moran" March

This is a real image from last week's "9.12" protest march on Washington, D.C.

It's real.

IT'S REAL.

Wow.

Scandal In The American Heartland!

I think I saw Bigfoot last night.

Wandering around in the great outdoors, I stumbled upon a massive shape at the edge of the forest.

The musty smell was overpowering. The eyes shone in the moonlight, and the shape was covered in thick, matted fur. It was rubbing its back against a tree stump, like a bear.

Wait... did I just see a bear?

Dammit.

Genius: Unleashed!

I have an idea for what may be the greatest slasher film of all time. It literally came to me in a dream.

Too bad my utter lack of talent and ambition will keep me from making this dream a reality.

Eh...
I'm too busy playing The Beatles: Rock Band, anyway.

Have you heard?

That game is amazing.

The People Have Spoken

I posted my first photoplay to the mighty YouTube on August 26th.

As of September 10th, I have 6 photoplays online.

The most recent one, "The Explorist!", has 0 views after 8 days.

Altogether, my videos have been viewed 25 times.

I think it's official...

I am King Of Internet.

The Swayze

So Patrick Swayze is gone.

I always liked the guy. Between Swayze, Schwarzenegger, Willis, and Stallone, my formative years were dominated by some really entertaining action flicks.

And although Swayze may not be remembered in the same breath as the three Titans S. W. S. to most, he's inextricably linked to them in my mind.

Sometimes when I'm bored and have to choose between watching 'Conan the Barbarian', 'Die Hard', 'Cobra', or 'Road House'... I have to tell you, I choose 'Road House' at least half the time.

Or 'Red Dawn'. I love that ridiculous movie.

I even watched that show on A&E earlier this year, 'The Beast', because he was in it. Not too bad. I think maybe he died because A&E canceled it. A man tends to live longer when they have a reason to get up in the morning. So I blame A&E.

'Arts and Entertainment', my ass.

Tonight, I pour one out for the best COOLER in the business.

Rest In Peace, Dalton.

Crank 2: Great Movie Or Greatest Movie?

I just watched Crank 2, again.

I honestly see it as some kind of insane masterpiece. The damned movie just works for me on every level.

It's rare that this happens to me. Before Crank 2, there was Rushmore. Before that, it was I Love You To Death.

Yeah, I know.

Harlan and Marlon fucking slay me, and Kevin Kline's Joey Boca is brilliant.

"Come on, ladies... let's go... MONOP-OLY!!"

Gets me every time.

I think I'm going to watch Crank 2... AND I Love You To Death, back-to-back.

Genius.

New Photoplay

I have just uploaded a new photoplay on the Tubes of You.

It's called "The Explorist!", and it follows an intrepid adventurer on his quest to retrieve a fabled artifact from the forces of evil. It's really quite gripping.

You can view it on the sidebar to the right, or go to my YouTube channel and subscribe (although nobody ever reads this blog, so the entire post is redundant.).

Anyway... yeah.

Gamer

I just got back. I caught a Labor Day matinee of 'Gamer'.

I'm a pretty big fan of Neveldine and Taylor. Crank and Crank: High Voltage are a whole lot of fun. There's this creative insanity to the films that just clicks with me. Plus, they threw Corey Haim in High Voltage. With a mullet.

Ticket = Bought.

I was wondering if Gamer would be a toned-down affair, different from their usual chaotic style. I suppose it was reigned in a bit, but it's a Neveldine/Taylor film through and through.

You want nudity? Nudity abounds! Graphic Violence? You came to the right place!

I had a lot of fun.

The whole "The Sims taken to a new and disturbing level" game called "Society" was the source of some pretty creepy imagery. I wouldn't want to be under the control of a morbidly obese sociopath sweating in a Rascal while he eats a french dip sub sandwich, I'll just say.

Plus Milo Ventimiglia played a dude named "Rick Rape".

Good times.

Cousins

My cousin came over the night before. We had fun, doing what we usually do: playing Star Wars Battlefront on X-Box for three hours.

This game was released in 2004. I bought it the day it came out. And we still play it. I have the sequel, as well, but we don't even play that one very often. Nope, just Battlefront. Just the original.

I don't know why, exactly. I've bought plenty of other games since Star Wars: Battlefront. Games I like a lot more than Star Wars: Battlefront. Yet whenever my cousin drops by, we break out the old school game and have a blast.

We used to play Rock Band a lot. But we went back to Battlefront, eventually. It's like a drug. We can't stop playing it.

We also play Worms on XBLA.

Gee... I sure miss Colecovision.

Glenn Beck

So advertisers are deserting Glenn Beck's program like rats from a sinking ship, yet his ratings are better than ever.

I've heard him talk before, in clips on The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, and occasionally Countdown. But I've never actually tried to watch his show before.

So yesterday, I decided to give it a shot. Just for shits and giggles.

I made it five minutes before I turned my TV off in disgust. Five minutes, before I had to turn my television off in order to prevent myself from chucking my remote control through the screen.

Either Glenn Beck is simply stupid and/or insane, or he's calculating. Either way, this man seems dangerous to me.

Moreso if he's just pretending to be a lunatic. That makes him a monstrous human being.

But I don't want to talk about this, anymore.