"Dances With Wolves"... IN SPAAAAACE!!!!!!!

Kevin Coster owes Jim Cameron a beating.

I saw the "Avatar" 3D thingy on Sunday, with my brother.

We saw the first 3d showing of the day, at 11:30 AM. We arrived at the cinema around 11:10, and were immediately greeted with a line of people extending nearly twenty feet outside, in the cold morning sun.

We quickly found out that the line was for ticket holders, not ticket buyers, and after we bought our tickets, the line had moved inside (barely), so we didn't have to stand outside. Which was nice.

The cinema wasn't seeting for the movie, yet. Apparently because some church group was using the space earlier. Why a fucking church group was using this particular theatre in a cinema with 20 fucking screens, not to mention the fact that a church bought the old closed megaplex a few miles west 2 years prior, I'll never know.

But we finally managed to sit down in the crowded theatre around 11:45 AM, and I was already unhappy.

Right off the bat, I'll say that the best 3D effect of the entire experience occurred during a trailer for some National Geographic psuedo-documentary involving prehistoric sea life. Nothing in the featured attraction lived up to that trailer.

That makes me sad.

The second trailer was for some godawful movie starring Doc Brown's ghost called "Call of the Wild 3d". Jack London is screaming from beyond the grave.

I saw this fucking movie on dvd at Wal-Mart the next day, on sale for $9.99. I even did a double-take. No lie.

Christopher Lloyd's ghoulish face grinning at me on the shelf, floating above a big sticker telling me that the dvd includes 3(!!!) free pairs of 3D glasses, so that I could potentially subject two of my friends to the torment that is "Call of the Wild 3D", and subsequently lose them in a murder-suicide pact shortly after the credits roll.

The note says: NO FUNERAL.

Anyway...

Right, I'm supposed to be talking about that cat-monkey movie.

It was okay. JUST okay. If I had seen it in 2D, I just would have been pissed off. The 3D effects were solid, and they drew me into the mediocre story more than once, so I gave it a pass, for the most part.

Lots of annoying, unnecessary narration from Sam "Who Gives A Fuck" Worthington.

That crazy nerd who stole Alan Covert's game in "Grandma's Boy" was there, too. I kept expecting him to tell one of the N'avi to sit on his face in that creepy robot voice.

Never happened. If it had, I would have liked the movie A LOT more.

Lots of cat-monkey nipple slips. Sigourney Weaver naked, wrapped in leaves like some geriatric

Poison Ivy lying in front of a Nerve-Ending Tree.

Giant blue Native Americans plugging their hair into six-legged horses and dragons.

The retard who fell in love with the other retard in "The Other Sister" playing golf like Bob Hope on the USO tour of Klendathu.

The scowling chick who died in "Lost" and "Resident Evil" and "Fast & Furious" shows up to fly a helicopter and blow up for no good reason.

Wes Studi is there, because HE HAS TO BE THERE.

Bluhura falls in love with the cripple in the N'avi skin suit, and they make love. Then a tree explodes.

Then there's a battle.

A lunatic Colonel fights the cripple with his Matrix Revolutions Mech, first with a big fucking gun, then with a big fucking knife.

Bullshit mysticism. AVATAR!!!!

Credits roll, Leona Lewis "sings"... END.

I hope Kevin Costner punches the stupid out of Jimmy Cameron when he tracks him down.