The End Of All Things

Well, not quite the end of all things. Just the year. 2009. See ya in Hell, ya prick!

Actually, 2009 was a pretty decent year for myself. 2008, on the other hand... that year can go right ahead and fuck itself. I'm glad it's gone. This past year was okay by me.

And as a way of saying farewell to the year that was, I am going to present my list (Every tit with a keyboard posts a fucking list this time of year. The internet is infested with them. It's a sickness, really. Alas, I am no different.) of my favorite films of 2009.

Obviously, these will be films that I have personally seen in a theatre. I can't really comment on movies I haven't seen. I guess I could, but that seems kind of pompous. And I am a plain and honest man.

First, two Honorable Mentions:

Drag Me To Hell

Sam Raimi made another horror movie. And it was good.

No, fuck that. It was damn good. Funny, creepy, and gooey. With an ending that still haunts me.

Not bad for a PG-13 "Spook-A-Blast".

I saw this immediately after I saw "UP" at the end of May. I left the theatre with an odd, confused feeling.

The Hangover

I laughed. A lot. I didn't think Todd Philips had another good movie in him after "Old School". Remember "Starsky & Hutch"? I wish I could forget. Zach Galifianakis owns this movie.

My Ten Favorite Films Of 2009

10: UP

I'm a Pixar fan. I'm an Ed Asner fan. I'm a huge fan of balloons. Bright, shiny, floaty balloons. Heh, heh...

"UP" had everything: action, adventure,an old man dragging a floating house across a lost world atop a jungle plateau, an old man discovering his childhood hero is an ancient douchebag with an army of highly trained talking dogs living in a super awesome blimp... Nice.

9: A Serious Man

I saw this on Halloween. Oddly fitting, I pondered to myself walking out of the cinema. Darkly funny, and very depressing. This movie bounced around in my head for a long time after it had finished unspooling before my eyes.

Sometimes I blurt out "Sy Abelman?!" to myself when I am entertaining guests. They don't get it. But I laugh, dammit.

They also didn't get the ending to "No Country For Old Men". Fuck these idiots.

8: Where The Wild Things Are

How Spike Jonze and Dave Eggers turned such a short children's book into such a beautiful visual poem, I will never know. I still don't know what exactly to say about this one.

It made me cry. Fucking muppets made me cry.

7: District 9

I didn't know exactly what to expect walking into this one.

Produced by Peter-fucking-Jackson. Big deal. Directed by that guy who nearly made the "HALO" movie. I saw those "HALO" shorts he made online. Not impressed.

Then I saw his short film "Alive In Joburg". I was intrigued. I saw the trailer. I became... anticipatory?

Then I saw the film. Fucking brilliant.

Sharlto Copley's transformation, both literal and figurative, was great. And the "prawn" Christopher Johnson was as fully realized a character as I have seen in any other film. I completely bought this fully-digital creation.

That's never happened, before. Not Gollum, not King Kong, not Doctor Manhattan, not... *shudder* the N'avi.

Great flick.

6: Observe and Report

I loved Jody Hill's first film, "The Foot-Fist Way", with a passion. Then I saw "Observe and Report". Now "The Foot-Fist Way" seems so distant, so... quaint.

This film was not well-loved by most people who saw it when it opened last Spring. And those people are fools. Ronnie Barnhardt is funny, sure. But he's also more than a little crazy. And more than a little dangerous.

I remember the moment in the cinema when the audience I sat with turned on this film. Ronnie is confronted by crack dealer Danny McBride and his henchmen in a bad neighborhood. Ronnie falls to his knees, blubbering like a baby and begging for mercy.

The audience laughs. This is what they expect from Seth Rogen.

Then Ronnie whips out the beatin' stick and proceeds to destroy his enemies with ease. Not in a slap-sticky manner. In a brutal, painful manner.

And the audience shuts the fuck up. They don't laugh, anymore. The movie has surprised them, and they don't like it.

The rest of the film's hilarity unfolds before them, and barely a titter is heard. Meanwhile, I was laughing my ass off.

The climactic battle between Ronnie with his flashlight and a whole mess of cops set to Queen's classic "Battle Theme" from the 1980's delightful "Flash Gordon" soundtrack was a masterpiece. I was in awe, sitting in the front row, enthralled by what my eyes were seeing.

I love this movie.

5: The Fantastic Mr. Fox

I'm a big Wes Anderson fan. "Rushmore" is one of my favorite films, period. I love "The Life Aquatic", although I understand most people look at it with much more critical eyes.

So I was certainly excited to see his latest film, a stop-motion extravaganza, no less!

It did not disappoint. I don't have much to say, really. I loved it from beginning to end. The voice case was brilliant. The animation was endearing. I was smiling when I walked out of the theatre.

A wonderful birthday present.

4: The Hurt Locker

Kathryn Bigelow, where the fuck have you been? I love "Near Dark" and "Strange Days". I even enjoy "Point Break", mostly because of Gary Busey. "Utah! Get me two!!!" Hilarious.

Then you made "The Weight of Water". Ugghhh... Then along comes "K-19 The Widowmaker". Uuuggghhh...

Then... um... I'm drawing a blank. I know you directed an episode of "Karen Sisco", but that doesn't count. Nothing for seven years.

Then "The Hurt Locker" shows up. And I am happy.

Tense. Funny. Tense. Dramatic. Did I mention "Intense"? My fucking head nearly exploded during this movie.

Jeremy Renner is fucking awesome. I remember him from "National Lampoon's Senior Trip", the film where Kevin McDonald plays an insane trekkie trying to kill Renner's best friend because he's convinced the man is a klingon spy. "I shall put an end to your dirty Klingon ways!"

Yeah, I never expected this kind of performance from the lead douchebag in a latter-day "National Lampoon" movie.

Expectations = Exceeded.

3: Moon

David Bowie's son is some kind of genius. Zowie Bowie made a modern-day Sci Fi masterpiece.

Sam Rockwell is a fucking rock star in this movie. He won't be nominated for an Oscar, because this is an unfair world.

I actually liked Kevin Spacey in a movie, again. Never thought that would happen. Granted, he was just doing the voice of a robot in the film, but that's beside the point.

Gerty nearly made me cry at the end of the movie. The anti-HAL 9000.

I love the setting. I love the twist. I love the conclusion.

This movie is TITS.

2: Inglourious Basterds

Tarantino's masterpiece. I loved it in the theatre. I have watched the film on DVD five times, already. And I want to watch it again.

I can't think of any flaws in this movie.

Christoph Waltz will "Waltz Away" with the Best Supporting Oscar come February if there is any justice in this world.

Shit, I'm doing the Gene Shalit thing again.

The movie made me like Eli Roth, which I thought was impossible. That alone puts "Inglourious Basterds" on this list.

1: Crank 2 - High Voltage

That's right. Number One with a Bullet. I have never had this much fun just letting a movie happen to me, if that makes any sense.

Fuck the haters. This movie is brilliant.

"Beef... and Broccoli" still echoes in my head. And it will until the day I die.

I am deranged.