Now that January is almost over, I think now is the perfect time to unleash my daringly conventional "Best Of 2010" and "Worst Of 2010" lists. Why? Because conformity is important to me. If you read this delightful blog regularly (and I know you do!), then you know that much about me. I have always tried my best to fit in. That's how I fuck with The Man. Let's just get this over with.
The Best Films Of The Year Of Our Lord Two Thousand And Ten, Anno Domini
10. Kick-Ass
Matthew Vaughan took Mark Millar's thoroughly mediocre comic book and turned it into something great. It's funny, violent, profane, and surprisingly endearing. And it features an inspired performance from Sir Nicolas Cage. God, I love that guy. He's just so fucking weird. His bizarre Adam West schtick in this movie killed me.
9. Splice
Mad scientists crossing moral and ethical lines to create a monster. A sexy naked abomination with a prehensile, barbed tail. Adrien Brody's nose. Impromptu gender re-assignment. Angry mommy rape. Fighting and fornicating miracle slugs. Barnyard voyeurism. David Hewlett. Splice was everything I wanted it to be and so much more.
8. Green Zone
Paul Greengrass tackles the war in Iraq. A strong, thought-provoking film featuring a great cast and Jason Isaacs' killer handlebar moustache. What's not to love? According to the box office, a great deal. People didn't want to see this movie. Because they're idiots. I drank a vanilla malt and watched Green Zone and had a good time. You should, too. It'll put hair on your chest. And your brain.
7. Inception
Eh. It was okay.
6. Get Low
I love this damned movie. Robert Duvall, Bill Murray, Sissy Spacek and Bill Cobbs are perfect in their respective roles. The story moved my cynical ass to tears. And Lucas Black is back, baby! I urge you to get your shit together and Get Low.
I don't even know what the fuck that means.
5. Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World
This film earned its place on my list for the Tom Jane/Clifton Collins, Jr. cameo alone. Everything else in the movie is just gravy. Delicious gravy.
4. The Social Network
A fucking Facebook movie. How the hell did this turn out good? Better than good, even. Great? David Fincher and Aaron Sorkin collaborated with an insanely talented cast and Golden Globe winner Trent Reznor (I enjoy typing that) to make a Facebook movie. And it's amazing.
3. True Grit
Jeff Bridges is the new John Wayne. I can't wait until the Coens remake The Barbarian And The Geisha!
2. The King's Speech
It's the kind of movie that doesn't sound exciting. At all. The King of England has a speech impediment? And? But it stars Colin Firth and Geoffrey Rush. I love those dudes, and that (plus the trailer) was enough to convince me. I asked my mother if she wanted to see it with me, and after I explained the plot, she looked at me like I had my very own Kuato protruding from my abdomen. "Why the hell would I ever want to see that?" were her exact words.
But due to her holiday-induced aversion to vacuuming, she decided to join me. And we were both absolutely delighted by the movie. Enchanted, even. My mother has already convinced several of her workplace colleagues to see this film. And she never does that. That speaks volumes. The King's Speech is a fucking crowd pleaser.
1. Black Swan
I fucking love this movie. Absolutely enthralling. I rarely see a film more than once during its theatrical run. And I couldn't wait to see this film a second time. Hell, I can't wait to see it again. My very favorite movie of 2010. Darren Aronofsky actually has me somewhat excited for the next Wolverine movie. And I loathed that X-Men Origins garbage. He may be my favorite film maker out there right now.
Well, those are my personal favorites from 2010. Now I suppose it's time to relive last year's most traumatic cinematic nightmares. On with the show...
The Worst Films Of The Year Two Thousand And Ten, Anno Domini
10. Legion
Let's make a biblical apocalypse movie! But let's twist this shit around and make the angels the bad guys. That's never been done before, right? But really, it's just a lame psuedo-remake of The Terminator. The apocalypse is fought with lots of guns, and a heaping helping of stupid. A film filled with missed opportunities.
9. The Crazies
Breck Eisner, perhaps the most boring director working today, remade George A. Romero's forgotten classic, and bored me to tears. Timothy Olyphant was too concerned with what he was going to do after Breck called "cut" to bother himself with committing to this mediocre script. And I don't blame him. He's got better things to do. Like starring in FX's great series Justified, which returns for its second season next month!
I love Justified, and not just because my blog is sponsored by News Corp. Because it isn't.
8. Predators
A terrible sequel to Predator. A terrible remake of Predator. A terrible afternoon at the cinema. God, I'm sick of Robert Rodriguez.
7. Alice In Wonderland
The Mad Hatter didn't need an origin story. The Red Queen didn't need to be a hydocephalic cretin. Crispin Glover didn't need to be a CG character. Alice didn't have to act like she was on Ambien. Tim Burton didn't need to direct this movie. And I wish I hadn't seen it.
6. Resident Evil: Afterlife 3D
A complete and utter waste of time. Please let this franchise die.
5. The Last Airbender 3D
How do you make big martial arts fight sequences boring? M. Night Shyamalan found a way. He found a way to make everything boring. I hate those emo whiners who cut themselves " just to feel something". But after seeing this atrocity, I understood their existential pain.
4. Killers
Fuck this movie.
3. My Soul To Take 3D
Condors! That's it. I will waste no more of my time on this "movie".
2. Robin Hood
A profoundly stupid and ill-conceived motion picture. Everything about this movie offends me. The only reason it's not number one?
1. TRON: Legacy
I was incredibly excited to see this movie. It was a sequel to one of my most beloved childhood movies. I never thought there would actually be a sequel to TRON. And when it was announced, I couldn't believe it. Having seen it, I wish it had never been made. TRON: Legacy crushed my dreams. It pissed in my Cheerios. It put pee-pee in my Coke. It smeared its feces all over the inside of my head like an irate chimpanzee.
This movie pissed me off.
P.S. - Before I curl into a fetal position and cry myself to sleep, I must warn you of an impending podcast. It's coming. Soon. And I'll also type up something about The Green Hornet if I ever recover from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
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